


The Doors We Open and Close Each Day

by firefly124



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-06
Updated: 2011-06-06
Packaged: 2017-10-20 04:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/208988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firefly124/pseuds/firefly124
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young Severus Snape was packed off to Hogwarts with instructions to ingratiate himself to the pureblooded Slytherins who would surely be his House-mates. By the time it’s his turn to sit under the Sorting Hat, he has other ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written for the Snupin 'zine [Chocolate & Asphodel](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/lupin_snape/457059.html). Many thanks and a neverending supply of chocolate to my endlessly patient beta, [ubiquirk](http://ubiquirk.livejournal.com), and Brit-picker, [Savine Snape](http://savine-snape.livejournal.com).

  
_The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.  
~Flora Whittemore_   


_Wednesday, September 1, 1971  
_  
Severus lugged his trunk onto the train. It wasn’t that it was so very heavy, but it was nearly as long as he was tall, which made it terribly awkward. After a few false starts, he managed to shove it along the floor as he looked for a compartment with some room in it.

A grin split his face when he saw Lily poking her head out and waving at him. He pushed the trunk a bit more enthusiastically, not noticing that a leg shot out of the compartment he was passing. Falling into a heap, he bit his lip so as not to make any noise. His right leg had caught the edge of the trunk on the way down, and it throbbed as if it had been broken again.

 _It might have done. Mam warned me to be careful of it until it’s all the way healed._

Laughter hooted out of the compartment. Furiously embarrassed, he stole a glance at the one who’d tripped him. Black hair, gray eyes. He looked a bit like a couple of the pictures Mam had shown him, which meant he was most likely from one of the pureblood families. One of the people he was supposed to make up to.

 _Sod that!_

“Hey, need a hand with that?”

Severus looked up and saw a brown-haired boy, clothes not in much better shape than his own, smiling at him. He tried not to be obvious about leaning on the trunk as he got up, but he couldn’t help the tears that sprung to his eyes at the sharp pain. His leg did at least hold his weight.

“Took two of us to deal with mine,” the other boy said. “Which way’re you going?”

Lily was already running up behind the boy.

“What’s the matter with you prats?” she shouted over both of them at the giggling boys.

“Leave it, Lils,” Severus muttered.

“It’s not our fault the clumsy git stepped on … whatever that is he’s wearing,” said the one who’d tripped him. “What exactly is that? Your mother’s dressing gown?”

“Look!” said the other black-haired boy. “Is he crying? He is!”

Lily gave a sniff. “Never mind them, Severus. Come on. Our compartment’s much better.”

“Severus?” the first boy echoed. “More like Snivellus!”

Severus’ gut twisted at that. It wasn’t as though he’d _actually_ been crying, and yet he could already see that name was going to stick.

Lily and the brown-haired boy helped him maneuver his trunk down the aisle and into the compartment Lily had claimed, finally shoving it away into a corner.

“Thanks,” Severus said under his breath. Not that he’d wanted the help.

“Is your leg all right?” Lily asked.

“It’s fine,” he snapped. Lily wasn’t even supposed to know about it. Mam would be furious, not to mention that, Muggle or not, Da would kill him. He certainly wasn’t about to discuss it in front of a stranger. Still, he couldn’t help a sigh of relief once he sat down.

“There’ll be someone at the school to have a look at it,” the brown-haired boy said. “If it’s still hurting, that is.”

“It’s fine,” he snapped again. He couldn’t very well have a Healer look at it. They’d know, and then … He just couldn’t. “It’s just a bruise.”

He could tell the brown-haired boy didn’t believe him, but at least he didn’t have any more to say about it, simply sticking out his hand and saying, “So your name’s Severus? I’m Remus.”

Warily, Severus shook his hand.

“And I’m Lily.” She stuck out her hand as well. “Won’t you sit with us?”

As Remus sat down, and the two of them started to chatter, Severus considered the situation, chewing his lip anxiously.

 _Barely out of the station, and I’m holed up hiding from the purebloods with a Muggle-born and another half-blood at best. Not exactly what Mam had in mind, even if they are nicer than that other lot._

With a sigh, he looked out the window and watched the countryside passing him by.

***

“Black, Sirius!” Professor McGonagall called, and the black-haired prat ran up and practically jumped onto the stool like an over-eager puppy. The Sorting Hat was dropped onto his head and appeared to begin muttering.

“Psst,” Remus hissed into Severus’ ear. “That’s the berk that tripped you up on the train, isn’t it?”

Severus pulled back and nodded warily.

“Hope I don’t get into the same house as him then.”

Severus’ stomach twisted. He was almost certainly doomed to that fate himself, given the Prince family legacy. “All the Blacks are in Slyth—”

“Gryffindor!” the Hat shouted at last.

Both boys looked at each other, eyes wide.

“So it doesn’t always work that way,” Lupin said. “Well, good.” He still looked a bit nervous though.

Several students later, Professor McGonagall called out, “Evans, Lily!”

Severus held his breath. She’d never be in Slytherin, but maybe Hufflepuff? She was certainly hard-working, not to mention loyal to a fault when it came to her undeserving sister.

“Gryffindor!” the Hat cried immediately, and the red-haired girl skipped over to join her housemates.

“Lils,” Severus breathed.

“What’s wrong?” Lupin asked.

Severus gritted his teeth a moment before muttering, “Nothing.” Wasn’t any business of Remus’ anyway, after all.

That was it, though, wasn’t it? Their friendship was doomed. Never mind that Black had got into a different House, there was no way Severus would be anywhere but Slytherin. He could, possibly, have managed to carry on as friends with a Hufflepuff. His mates would take the mickey, but it would be nothing compared to what he’d get for being friends with a Gryffindor.

“Lupin, Remus!”

The brown-haired boy ran up to the stool. Just before the Sorting Hat descended over his eyes, Severus saw them squinch shut as if in desperate concentration.

Long moments later, the Hat shouted, “Ravenclaw!”

Lupin jumped down with a grin, shot Severus a wink, and ran over to the Ravenclaw table.

Stunned, Severus thought about that for a minute.

 _What if …? Mam couldn’t be too cut up if I got into Ravenclaw instead. And I don’t think Gryffindors and Ravenclaws fight much except for Quidditch. Plus Lupin seems a decent bloke. Still, it’s not like I get to have anything to say about it._

In spite of himself, Severus clung to that bit of hope as Professor McGonagall worked through the rest of the names until she got to his.

“Snape, Severus!”

Snickers came from the Gryffindor table, which he pointedly ignored, though he thought he might also have heard Lily tell them to hush.

Once he was on the stool, the Hat was lowered onto his head. He found himself thinking as hard as he could about how very much he wanted to be in Ravenclaw.

“Already have your mind made up, do you?” a voice said in his ear. “Let’s just have a look then. You’ve a quick mind, sure enough. Cunning, too, however. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be in Slytherin like your mother’s family?”

“Not really,” he thought. “Not if I’m going to stay friends with Lils.”

“Ah, so perhaps Gryffindor?” the voice said. “You are brave enough, though you don’t seem to realize it yet.”

“No!” Severus thought. He didn’t feel brave at all at the thought of sharing sleeping quarters with that bastard, Black. He’d never get a lick of sleep, having to be on his guard all the time, and then he’d surely fail all his classes.

“Well, then. Perhaps you’d best be RAVENCLAW!”

Severus’ ears rang with the shout of the last word as the Hat was pulled off his head and Professor McGonagall gave him a little nudge on the shoulder to get down. Stunned, he walked over to the Ravenclaw table, where Lupin had already kicked back the empty chair next to him.

“Brilliant, isn’t it?” Lupin asked. “Best House in the school!”

Severus nodded, already composing his letter home and hoping he was right that Mam wouldn’t be too disappointed.

***

 _Friday, September 3, 1971_

“How’d you do that so easily, Snape?” Lupin asked as they ran back to the castle for their next class. “It took me half a dozen tries just to get my broom into my hand!”

Severus shrugged. Brooms actually seemed sort of clumsy compared to the way Lily’d taught him to fly from the swings. So much freer that way. But he’d waited until Lupin finally got his broom to cooperate, even though that meant staying a bit after class. After all, Lupin had done more or less the same for him earlier. “You Transfigured your match on the first try. How’d you do _that_?”

Lupin shrugged back. “Guess I see what you mean. C’mon, before we’re late to Charms! Flitwick’d kill us!”

Severus ran a bit harder. Apparently keeping up with Lupin was going to mean lots of exercise. He hoped he’d be able to manage it.

***

 _Saturday, September 4, 1971_

At the far end of the Ravenclaw Common Room, a couple of sixth-years were fussing with a record player, trying to work out the right combination of charms to get it to work without electricity. What had possessed them to try it out with “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep” though? Severus couldn’t see how it had ever become so popular in the first place, and randomly speeding up and slowing down as they experimented wasn’t helping it any.

He looked up when he heard the door to leave the Common Room open, surprised anyone would be entering or leaving at this hour.

“Where’re you going? It’s almost curfew!” Severus demanded. Lupin might be a decent enough bloke, but he couldn’t be going around costing their House points the first week!

“I … don’t feel so well.” Lupin didn’t quite meet his eyes. “I’m going to see Madam Pomfrey.”

“Well, then, take a Prefect with you or something,” he snapped.

“No!” Lupin looked scared at the very idea. “No. I’ll be fine, really. If anybody tries to take points, I’ll just throw up on their shoes.”

Severus rolled his eyes and said, “Well, get out of here then! I don’t want you being sick on me!”

He was a bit surprised Lupin hadn’t returned by the time he closed his Potions book and called it a night, but apparently he must have been sicker than he looked.

 

***

 _Monday, September 6, 1971_

“Where the bloody hell have you been?” Severus hissed when Lupin slid into the chair next to him at breakfast.

“Hospital wing,” Lupin muttered.

“Still?” Severus peered a bit more closely at him. “You do look a bit peaky. You’re better now though?”

Lupin just shrugged and picked at his toast.

After watching him for another minute or so, Severus turned and whispered a request to Melissa Ward next to him. At first, it didn’t seem like she was going to do as he’d asked, but then she got a look at Lupin herself, and she turned to pass the message to the girl next to her.

Not long after, a cup of tea made its way down from the upper levels, barely hot anymore. Severus cast a quick Heating Charm on it and elbowed Lupin in the ribs.

“What?”

“Drink this already. If you come to Herbology like that, you’ll fall asleep in your plant!” Severus scowled at him. “We already lost points when McQuillen melted his bloody cauldron yesterday.”

Privately, he thought creating a dangerous situation like that should have more consequences than points, but Professor Slughorn seemed a bit soft all around.

A sip, then a gulp, and Lupin started to look a bit more like himself, even taking a decent bite of his toast and eyeing a banana. Satisfied, Severus returned his attention to his own breakfast.

When they got up to go to class, though, it bothered him to see how stiffly the boy moved. Severus had had days when he woke up stiff like that. They never meant anything good. Still, he couldn’t quite bring himself to ask.

***

 _Monday, October 4, 1971_

It was gone ten o’clock when Severus finally pulled his nose out of his Transfiguration book. Something about this chapter just wasn’t quite making sense yet, and he looked about the Common Room for Lupin. He was best in their year at the subject after all.

Unfortunately, he was also nowhere to be seen. Bartleby and Reynolds, the other two first-year boys, were playing wizard chess over by the statue of Rowena Ravenclaw, a trio of fourth-year girls were trading riddles with the Grey Lady, and everyone else was either reading or scratching away with their quills, but no Lupin.

Had he gone to bed already? Seemed unlikely. He was usually up at least as late as Severus. Come to think of it, Severus wasn’t sure he’d even seen him since dinner.

When Severus finally decided to call it a night, Lupin’s empty bed confirmed that he wasn’t in Ravenclaw Tower at all. Puzzled, Severus climbed into bed. Somewhere out in the Forbidden Forest, something gave a mournful howl that sent a shiver down his spine. Between concern for his friend and the frightening noise, it was well past midnight before he finally fell asleep.

***

 _Tuesday, October 5, 1971_

By the end of morning classes, Severus was well and truly worried. Even when Lupin had been sick a few weeks ago, he’d managed to pull it together to make it to class, but he’d been nowhere to be found all this morning.

“Sev? What’s wrong?” Lily plucked at his sleeve. “Aren’t you going in for lunch?”

He shook his head. “I think Lupin’s sick. I’m going to the hospital wing to check on him.”

“I’ll come with you.” She shifted her rucksack and started down the hall a few steps. “Well, aren’t _you_ coming?”

Severus snapped out of it and caught up to her.

When they reached the hospital wing, Severus felt his stomach twist sickly. Lupin was there all right, and he looked like he’d been torn half apart.

“Remus!” Lily cried out, dropping her bag and rushing over to the bed. “What happened to you?”

Severus tried to shush her, but it was too late. An infuriated Lily Evans was a force of nature.

“Who did this to you? Was it Black and Potter?” she demanded. “I’ll hex them both myself!”

“That won’t be necessary, Miss Evans,” Madam Pomfrey said. She glared sternly at both Lily and Severus. “While I appreciate your concern for your friend, I assure you, any consequences for misbehavior will be meted out by the staff at this school, _not_ students. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Madam Pomfrey,” Lily replied.

After receiving an additional glare, Severus added his own reluctant agreement. Whoever had done this deserved more than points taken off or detention, even if it did last for the remainder of the year. Lupin’s face and arms looked like they’d be permanently scarred, and he could only imagine what the covers hid.

“Surely the two of you have somewhere else you ought to be rather than badgering Mr. Lupin? He needs his rest.” The matron tapped her foot impatiently.

Lupin hadn’t said a word, but he did look rather like he could fall back to sleep at any moment.

“Sev can at least bring him his homework later, can’t he, miss?” Lily asked.

“I imagine that won’t be necessary,” Madam Pomfrey replied. “Most likely, Mr. Lupin will be ready to leave here by dinnertime.”

***

Severus found that rather hard to believe, right up until the moment Lupin flopped into the chair next to him and stared morosely at the selection of food. While there were still faint scars on his face, he looked miraculously better than he had earlier.

“Not hungry?”

“Kinda queasy. The asparagus doesn’t look bad though.” Lupin reached for the relatively untouched bowl of the stuff and transferred some to his plate.

Severus shrugged. It wasn’t what he’d be craving if he’d just had the crap beaten out of him, but that left more roast for everyone else, not that they ever ran short. Looking at Lupin curiously, Severus noticed for the first time that there were other faint lines along his neck. They looked lighter than the others. Older. He looked away before anyone caught him staring and tucked into his own dinner.

 

***

 _Tuesday, November 2, 1971_

It was a bit weird that Lupin hadn’t come to dinner yet. He couldn’t be “sick” again, could he? Severus didn’t like feeling quite so concerned about him, but it wasn’t as though he’d made many other friends.

Their housemates were decent enough. Nobody actually _said_ anything about the fact they both had second-hand books and tatty robes. Well, nobody but that pair of Gryffindor prats, Black and Potter, but _they_ didn’t matter. Still, nobody but Lupin was actually all that friendly towards him. It only made sense that Severus should want to make sure he was all right, then, since he didn’t exactly have friends to spare.

After wolfing down his dinner, Severus checked the Common Room first and then the dormitory but found no sign of Lupin. His bag and all his books, however, were sitting in their usual spot, so that ruled out the library.

Grabbing his own bag so it’d look like _he_ was going to the library, Severus stepped out of the Common Room and headed for the hospital wing. Nobody said a word.

When he got close to the hospital wing, he stuffed the bag behind a suit of armor and cast his mam’s version of the Notice-Me-Not Spell that would sting anybody who tried to snatch it. Being as quiet as possible, he opened the door into the hospital wing and peeked around.

There were a couple of Slytherins covered in boils over in one corner, Avery and Rosier, he thought their names were. But that was it. No Lupin. Unless he was in Madam Pomfrey’s office, but Severus didn’t think she allowed students in there.

Closing the door softly, he went back to the suit of armor, now gleaming in the moonlight coming through the window across the hall, cancelled the spell, and fetched his bag.

 _So where is he then?_

On the off-chance he might’ve been wrong about the library, Severus went there next. No Lupin there either, but at least he could settle in and work on his essay on Red Caps. It wouldn’t hurt to look up a couple of things the textbook only touched on, after all.

Later that night, he lay in bed for a long while before he fell asleep. Where was Lupin this time? Was he “sick” again? Did his parents take him home for something? And if so, was he going to come back a mess again? Even on his worst nights, Da had never left Severus looking like Lupin had last month.

Again, the sounds of the night seemed so much more frightening with his friend gone. Missing. Possibly … no, probably being hurt.

Severus pulled shut the curtains around his bed. His housemates might be decent enough, but he still didn’t want them hearing him cry.

***

  
_  
Thursday, December 2, 1971_

“It’s just … it’s a condition I have.” Lupin looked scared and miserable, but at least he was finally explaining.

“A condition that makes you look like you tangled with a Hippogriff?” Severus crossed his arms tightly over his chest, glad no one else was in the dormitory just now.

“Well, um … yeah.” Lupin shrugged. “Sort of.”

“I thought we were mates, but you’re still not telling me everything.” Severus tried to keep the hurt out of his voice.

“We are!” Lupin looked, if anything, even more scared. “But … I can’t. I promised.”

That sent a chill down Severus’ spine.

 _“And don’t ye go blubberin’ ta yer mam or anyone else, damn ye!”_

“Fine, don’t tell,” he snapped. “But if you think that’s going to make it go away, you’re too stupid to be in this House!”

“Madam Pomfrey takes real good care of me.” Lupin slouched a bit. “I get better much faster now than I ever used to.” He shot a quick glance out the darkening window. “I’d better go now.”

Severus didn’t have any more to say to him. Later, when he found himself pushing his food around his plate at dinner rather than eating it, he told himself it was just that he wasn’t all that fond of chicken.

***

 _Friday, December 3, 1971_

This time, Severus hadn’t been surprised when Lupin failed to show up for classes. He simply kept aside a scrap of parchment on which he wrote all the assignments for all their classes, though he drew the line at actually making a second copy of all the notes he’d taken throughout the day. Lupin could recopy his notes if he wanted them, especially considering he’d said once that Severus’ writing looked like “a bunch of spiders got into the ink pot and ran all over the page.”

Charms was the last class of the day, and Professor Flitwick noticed the scrap of parchment Severus was keeping to the side of his desk.

“Five points to Ravenclaw for helping your housemate keep up with his studies while he is ill, Mr. Snape,” the Charms professor said with an approving look on his face.

Severus ducked his head, embarrassed. He didn’t mind being praised for knowing his lessons and doing spells properly, but this was a bit different.

“Now, none of that, Mr. Snape.”

Severus looked up, and Flitwick’s expression was a bit different, though he couldn’t quite work it out. He almost looked as if he wanted to ask Severus something, though he didn’t.

“True Ravenclaw spirit isn’t just about seeking to increase your own knowledge; it includes helping each other. Being a good friend is nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Severus nodded, though he still felt a bit wary, especially as Flitwick still wore that questioning look. So he was unsurprised when he was asked to stay after class.

“You’re a bright young man, Mr. Snape.”

Severus tried not to flinch. It was hard not to hear that as, “Ye think ye’re so smart,” the way Da would do when he was in a mood.

“And you’ve undoubtedly worked out that your housemate, Mr. Lupin, has a situation that is unlikely to simply go away.”

Severus looked at his Head of House sharply. _He knows?_

“Yes, of course I am aware.” Flitwick tilted his head curiously.

“But … can’t you do anything?”

“I wish there were more I could do, Mr. Snape.” Flitwick spread his hands wide. “Alas, magic cannot fix everything, though I dare say Madam Pomfrey does an excellent job caring for him.”

“But she shouldn’t have to!” Severus blurted, then bit his tongue.

Flitwick looked pained. “I agree. It would be far better if he did not incur these injuries to begin with. However, as I say, there are limits to what can be done. Perhaps someday …” His eyes took on a faraway look for a moment, then snapped back to meet Severus’. “In the meantime, I trust that you will keep Mr. Lupin’s confidence. That is as important to his continued education as seeing to it he has his assignments.”

Pressing his lips together tightly, Severus nodded at the implied warning. “I understand, sir.”

Flitwick looked at him carefully. “I believe that you do. Good. Off with you then!”

Severus fled. By the time he reached his next class, his leg was aching from running up so many stairs.

***

 _Saturday, December 18, 1971_

“I wish you’d said something.” Lupin frowned. “Maybe next year you can come home with me for Christmas.”

“Or you could stay here.” Severus knew his own Christmas would be far better at Hogwarts than it had ever been at Spinner’s End. Yes, he’d miss his mam, but that was about it. Besides, she was probably safer without him there. Lupin though … Severus couldn’t understand why he seemed so excited to go home.

“I don’t know if I could just see my folks in the summers,” Lupin was saying.

“Last call f’r the train!” Hagrid shouted into the Great Hall.

“Sev! You’re not going home?” Lily ran up to them both.

“I’m not fussed,” he said with a shrug. That turned out to be a mistake, as Lily threw her arms around him in mid-shrug, trapping his shoulders up by his ears so that he couldn’t hug her back. He felt his cheeks grow pink.

“C’mon, Remus,” she said, detaching herself from Severus. “We’ve got to go.”

Severus just nodded good-bye to them both. He couldn’t quite find his voice, and he wasn’t sure what he’d have said if he did.

 _Watch out for each other on the train? They’ll do that anyway. Don’t come back all torn to pieces by your mental family? Wouldn’t do any good._

That last bit did make him wonder though. No other students ever had their families pull them out, except that ponce, Malfoy, and his gang of sneaky Slytherins. But they were seventh-years. Would Dumbledore _really_ let someone’s family take them out every few weeks, just about once a month really, especially if they always came back a mess? The only evidence he had that Lupin went anywhere was that he wasn’t in the hospital wing that one time, after all.

 _And Lupin only ever called it a “condition.” Even Flitwick just called it a “situation.”  
_  
Well, he had a couple of weeks ahead of him, all his homework already done, and Hogwarts’ very well-stocked library at his disposal. Maybe he could figure something out. And maybe _then_ he could find a way his friend wouldn’t be hurt anymore. He’d already improved a couple of potions recipes. Just a little bit, but it was something.

 _And it proves that just because there’s no magical solution now, doesn’t mean there never will be._

Thus resolved, he gulped the rest of his pumpkin juice and set off for the library.

***

  
_Thursday, December 30, 1971_

Stunned, Severus sat back into his chair, letting _Cyclical Curses and Other Recurrent Magical Maladies_ flip itself closed on the table.

 _There’s no way. It just can’t be. They’d never allow it!_

The chair legs squeaked loudly against the floor as he pushed back from the table, earning him a glare from Madam Pince that he soundly ignored. He did take care to be quiet as he ducked into the Astronomy shelves and grabbed _Months and Months of Moons_. Flipping to the current year, he looked at the dates.

They looked about right.

Hurrying back to his table, he paged through his notes to see if he could work out which days Lupin had been “sick.”

 _It’s not like I thought there was any reason to keep track!_

There it was. In his Charms notes. He’d scribbled in the margin the day Flitwick had given him points for writing down the assignments for Lupin. Points, he kept track of. He always mentioned them in his letters home. Da wouldn’t care, but then, he probably never read them anyway. But Mam would.

So there it was. December 3. Five points.

He looked back at the moon chart. December third was the day after the full moon.

Of all the insane things he could possibly have done, he’d gone and made friends with a bloody werewolf.


	2. Chapter 2

_Sunday, January 2, 1972_

Severus was in his bed, reading, when Lupin and the others rushed in from the train. Bartleby and Reynolds just dropped their trunks by their beds and ran back down to the Common Room.

“How was your Christmas?” Lupin asked.

Severus shrugged, barely looking up from his book. It had been nice enough, he supposed. At least right up until he’d made his discovery. “Yours?”

“It was brilliant!” Lupin grinned like an idiot, highlighting the new scar running up his cheek. It hadn’t healed nearly as well as Severus was sure it would have if Madam Pomfrey had been the one to treat it.

From the corner of his eye, Severus saw Lupin’s grin falter.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Severus turned a page, even though he hadn’t managed to read even half of the one he’d just been staring at.

“Right.” Lupin messed about in his trunk a bit. “I’ll just go then.”

After he’d left, Severus finally let the tears that had been stinging his eyes roll down his cheeks.

***

 _Monday, January 3, 1972_

Severus didn’t really understand the point to half the things they did in Transfiguration. He supposed it came down to practicing with little things, but couldn’t their practice at least be … practical? He tapped at his matchbox, turning it to glass and back again.

After class, he almost thought to stay and ask Professor McGonagall when they would get to some of the things he thought would be dead useful. He rather liked her cat trick, for one. But something held him back. It didn’t seem … safe to ask about that.

Instead, he nipped down to the library. Something he’d seen last week, just before he’d worked out what was wrong with Lupin—he shuddered at the thought—was stuck in the back of his mind, and he couldn’t quite reach it.

Now, if he could just remember whether it had been in _Weird Wizarding Dilemmas and Their Solutions_ or _Confronting the Faceless_.

***

“So you’re talking to me now?” Lupin asked at dinner.

Severus shrugged. “Just been thinking about something.”

Lupin looked a bit worried.

Severus carried on eating. He still wasn’t all that used to the idea of what Lupin was. But if he could find a way to help him control it, maybe he didn’t have to lose a friend after all, and anyway, it would be better all around if he could get back to acting normal.

After a minute, Lupin went back to his own dinner as well. Later, he even asked Severus for help with his Potions essay.

Normal. Severus could manage normal. He was sure of it.

***

 _Sunday, January 9, 1972_

“Happy birthday, Sev.” Lily plopped down onto the chair next to his and set a small package on the table.

Bartleby, Reynolds, and Lupin all stared at him.

“What?” Severus tried not to flush as he poked at his oatmeal.

“How come she knows it’s your birthday and we don’t?” Reynolds asked.

“Yeah, I thought we were mates!” Lupin said.

“I didn’t want to make a big deal,” Severus said with a shrug. “Don’t tell you lot _everything_ , after all.”

“Aren’t you going to open it?” She sounded hurt.

He’d actually hoped to wait until he was alone, but clearly Lily wasn’t going to let him. Dutifully, Severus undid the wrapping to find himself looking at … a neatly folded square of parchment. “Um, thanks, Lils.”

She let out a huff. “Aren’t you going to even ask how it works?”

Severus thought he already knew how parchment worked, but that was obviously the wrong answer. “Right. So, how does it work?”

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her wand.

“It’s for all this research you’ve been doing,” she said. “You always have half a dozen books sprawled out everywhere, and your notes are a mess.”

Bartleby snickered.

“These are the ones you had on the table in the library yesterday.” She unfolded the parchment. “But they’re not in order. And obviously this is just the names of them, not your notes.”

Severus nodded.

She flicked her wand at the parchment and said, “ _Componere opes_.”

The titles of the books suddenly arranged themselves alphabetically.

“If you want to find the ones that are just on the Dark Arts, you’d do this.” She tapped the list and said, “ _Exquiro Dark Arts_.”

Two titles moved to the top of the list and the others faded away.

“That’s brilliant, Lils!” Severus grinned. “Where’d you get this?”

Now it was her turn to flush. “Well, it’s just a little different than the Sorting Charm Professor Flitwick taught us last term. And I haven’t worked out how to make it hold more on it than you can write on the page front and back.”

“You _made_ this?” Lupin exclaimed. “How’d you end up in Gryffindor again?”

“Hey!” She gave him a playful slap on the arm. “So you like it?” she asked, turning back to Severus.

“I do. Thank you.” He wanted to give her a little hug, the way she sometimes would do, but he figured Lupin and the rest would take the mickey for the rest of the day if he did.

“I’m glad.” She smiled. “Okay, I have to go. I promised Susie we’d work on our Charms essays. See you in the library later?”

“Where else?” Lupin replied with a laugh.

Severus smiled and nodded, already working out how he could add a privacy charm to the parchment. It would be a huge help organizing his notes, but he wasn’t about to risk anyone putting together just _what_ he’d been researching.

***

 

 _Friday, March 10, 1972_

“No worries,” Lupin said with a shrug. “It’s not like I knew in time to do anything for your birthday.”

Well, that was true enough, but Severus had hoped his research might bear fruit by now. It would’ve been a brilliant birthday gift. Since he couldn’t say any of that, he just made a face.

Lupin opened up the rumpled package the owl had dropped off and pulled out a small book. When he thumbed through it, Severus could see that the pages were blank.

“A journal!” He turned to Severus. “Do you think Lily would teach me that charm she used on your parchment?”

Severus shrugged. “Or I could. She taught me weeks ago so I could make more of them. You’ll have to charm every page though.”

Lupin grinned. “And you thought you hadn’t got me a birthday gift!”

Severus couldn’t help but grin back, though he insisted on waiting until they were safely alone in their dormitory before showing him. Some things should just be kept amongst friends.

***

 _Sunday, May 20, 1972_

Severus slammed the book shut loudly enough that Madam Pince stalked over to his table.

“I shouldn’t think I’d have to tell anyone in _your_ House the importance of treating these books with respect.” She crossed her arms and glared down at him. “If I ever see another display like that, I will revoke your access to the Restricted Section, and I don’t care _who_ you have sign another permission form!”

“Sorry, miss.” Severus bit the inside of his cheek. Professor Flitwick would be furious if Madam Pince revoked his permission. It had taken three requests just to get him to agree to even the fairly limited access he’d been given to the books on Dark Creatures, for all the good it had done.

With a stern nod, Pince turned and hurried off to scold a pack of Hufflepuffs who were being noisy at the opposite end of the library.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Severus turned back and scowled at the offending book, _Transformational Curses and Hexes,_ as though it had slammed itself.

 _It might as well have done._

Finally, he had his definitive answer. Werewolves could not learn to control their transformations by becoming Animagi. In fact, part of the curse prevented them from doing so, even if they had been able to before they were turned.

Oh, there was the fairly useless fact that those few wizards and witches who managed to become Animagi were safe around werewolves, since the creatures only hunted humans. What good was that to someone who’d already been bitten though?

Severus really didn’t want to give Lupin up. He didn’t see how they could carry on as friends, though, if there’d always be that bit of fear. Lupin would never hurt him on purpose. That much was obvious to anyone. Equally obviously, wherever it was he went every month, the only one getting hurt was him. But Severus’ mam had told him tales of werewolves and other Dark Creatures since he was old enough to walk. He knew how many things could go wrong, and he didn’t think he could stay friends with someone he knew might someday kill him or worse.

Chin in hand, he tapped his fingers nervously against his lip in unconscious imitation of his mam, staring at the useless book with a solution no good to someone who’d already been bitten.

He felt a smirk begin to steal over his face as a new idea took shape. Really, he should’ve thought of it as soon as he’d read it.

Pulling out two of his Filing Parchments, he tapped each with his wand and began looking for the scraps of information he’d found so far on becoming an Animagus.

 

***

 

***

 _Monday, September15, 1975_

“Don’t grab that one!” Severus hissed out of the corner of his mouth, glancing to the front of the classroom to be sure Slughorn hadn’t heard.

Lupin’s hand stopped just short of the bunch of monkshood that needed to be chopped.

“That’s one of the ones you’re allergic to,” Severus added, thinking that after three years of helping him learn to avoid herbs and potions dangerous to werewolves he shouldn’t really have to explain this. Again. “Merlin, you really are still pants at this.”

“So shall I stir while you chop?” Lupin appeared mostly unfazed, though Severus could tell he was a bit taken aback.

 _As he should be._ While Severus wasn’t sure whether all the teachers knew of Lupin’s … condition, it seemed a bit odd that Slughorn had chosen _today_ to insist that they not use Bubblehead Charms, something most had used heavily since learning the spell last year. Yes, scent was an important indicator for many potions, but it was not critical for this one.

“Right.” Severus suppressed a wince. “Just … try to keep your strokes even. And tell me if it starts to look orange, even a little.”

With a nod, Lupin traded places with him and began to stir.

Severus made quick work of chopping the monkshood finely, added it to the potion, and surreptitiously made sure all traces of it were gone from the cutting area before motioning Lupin to switch back. He was relieved to see that the potion was still a clear red with no lumps forming and not a hint of orange.

By the end of class, Lupin was clearly starting to wheeze, so Severus nudged him to go see Madam Pomfrey before Charms while he took care of decanting and turning in their potion.

“Just a minute, Mr. Snape,” Slughorn said as he set down the labeled phial and turned to leave.

Startled, Severus stood to one side and waited for the rest of the students to finish turning in their work and vacate the room.

 _If he caught us talking, he should just take points and be done with it._

“Mr. Snape,” the potions teacher said, “you continue to do O quality work in this class. I fully expect you to do as well on your Potions O.W.L. and eventually your N.E.W.T.”

“Thank you, sir,” Severus replied warily, wondering if he was about to be invited to one of those deadly dull Slug Club meetings Lils had gone to last term, and if so, whether it would be academic suicide to decline.

“However, if you wish to rise to the levels your talent and work merit, you would do well to consider the company you keep.” Slughorn gave him a pointed look. “I realize that it is considered the realm of my House, but surely even a Ravenclaw has _some_ ambition?”

A slight chill ran down Severus’ spine as he nodded and answered, “Of course Slytherin doesn’t have a monopoly on ambition. Thank you for your advice, sir.”

 _Which I will give all the consideration it deserves, right before I dump it in Professor Sprout’s heap of dragon manure._

As he headed off to Charms, he was still considering the implications of said “advice” and didn’t see Potter, Black, and their squirrelly sidekick, Pettigrew, until Black had already cast a Trip Jinx on him, laying him out flat on the cold stone floor.

“Oops, d’you think he broke his nose?” Black asked as he twirled his wand lazily.

“It could only be an improvement,” Potter said with a shrug.

Severus heard a pair of girls giggle off to the side.

“You’d better hope not!” Pettigrew piped up. “You’ll be in real trouble then.”

“You’ll be in real trouble now!” Severus retorted, keeping an eye on them as he picked himself up and gathered his books. He actually hadn’t hit his face at all, though his elbow and shoulder were going to ache until he put something on them, and his leg, predictably, was throbbing. His fingers itched for his wand, but unlike those prats, he wasn’t stupid enough to draw a wand in the hallway right outside an occupied classroom.

“What’s going on here?” Slughorn demanded, waddling out of the classroom as if on cue.

Severus looked over at the three self-styled “Marauders,” wanting to enjoy the sight of them getting what they had coming for once.

Not a wand in sight, and only Pettigrew looked the least bit guilty.

 _Damn and blast.  
_  
It’d be his word against theirs, and Slughorn had just made it clear he didn’t entirely approve of Severus’ choices or, by implication, him.

“I tripped,” he said at last. It was true enough, after all.

“Hmph.” Slughorn didn’t look convinced. Still, he didn’t ask anything else, just said, “Well, what are you all waiting for? Get in here, you lot, and Mr. Snape, you’d best hurry if you’re to make it to your next class.”

Mouth pressed into a firm line, Severus walked quickly to do just that, silently fuming. He passed Lily on the way, but she was as hurried as he, so there was no chance to ask how she’d got separated from the rest of her classmates nor to warn her that Black and Potter were in rare form today.

***

 _Saturday, September 20, 1975_

“Aren’t you coming to dinner?” Reynolds asked, holding open the Common Room door.

“Not hungry,” Lupin said, stealing a glance at the clock.

“I’ll be down in a bit,” Severus mumbled without looking up from his Ancient Runes homework.

Once the door was closed, Severus did a quick Scanning Spell to be sure the rest of the Ravenclaws had gone.

“You should go,” Lupin said. “I’ve only got about a half hour before moonrise.”

“If you don’t eat anything, you’re going to feel worse tomorrow.”

Lupin shrugged. “Does it matter? I lose a day anyway.”

He looked so sad, so very much like he’d absolutely given up, that Severus wanted to shake him and almost spilled his secret right then. Instead he shrugged and replied, “Suit yourself. I’ll bring you your assignments at dinner tomorrow then.”

“I know you will.” His smile was weak but genuine as Severus ran his books up to the dormitory before running off to dinner.

***

A bit nervous now that it was right down to it, Severus ran through the entire plan in his head one last time as he stood in the doorway of the secret exit he’d found. As he mentally ticked off each step, he willed his breathing and heart to slow to normal levels. Someday, he hoped, this would come easily to him, even in a moment of crisis. For now, however, he had to be completely calm or else it just wouldn’t work.

Finally ready, he closed his eyes and willed his body to change and flow into its other form, absorbing his clothing and remaking it into fur. He felt his nose and mouth lengthen and reshape, leaned forward so his paws could reach the ground, and swished his tail as it lengthened out of his spine until finally it reached just the right amount of counterbalance.

When he opened his eyes again, everything around him looked taller, as it always did. Tonight, that seemed a bit ominous, but he shook his head as if to rid himself of the thought. Instead, he discovered that one last bit of his uniform remained. He pawed at the blue and bronze tie until it slid up over his pointed ears so that he could nudge it away with his snout. He’d be coming back this way later, and he could pick it up then.

A howl echoed through the night, and he decided he’d best get to it. Carefully he picked up the neatly folded napkin containing as much food as he’d thought he could smuggle out of the Great Hall without being caught and set off at a trot for the Whomping Willow.

Just out of the guardian tree’s range, he set down the napkin and picked up a branch he’d set there earlier. It was definitely harder to manage it in his mouth than in his hands, but he wasn’t about to transform to human and back again. Not that he was too worried about being spotted, but there was always the chance, and at any rate, he didn’t feel proficient enough to be shifting back and forth quite that rapidly. Not yet, in any case.

Once he’d finally managed to get a grip on it, he angled the branch towards the knot on the trunk of the Whomping Willow. It took three tries, but he finally had it lined up just so when the tree finally took offense at his behavior and smacked the offending stick away, breaking it in two and leaving his jaw sore.

With a low growl at the base of his throat, he tossed the remaining part of the branch away and picked up the napkin. He watched the Willow’s branches until they finally stilled, then made a dive for the hollow at its base.

A flailing branch clipped his tail just as he got in, and Severus let out a yip that was surprise more than pain. He cut the sound off quickly and stayed very still for a moment. Howls echoed through the passage, but they didn’t sound terribly near.

Reassured or mostly so, he started down the passageway to whatever holding area Lupin was in.

***

The tunnel seemed to go an awfully long time, though Severus was glad to be taking it at this height. He’d have to crouch down quite a bit to manage it in his human form. His instincts kept telling him he ought to be moving away from the howling sounds rather than closer, but he pressed on.

 _“The werewolf is only a threat to humans. One of the best, though also one of the most difficult and rare defenses for the wizard or witch, then, is to be able to take on an animal form. Not only will the werewolf not attack, its bite is not infectious to one in animal form.”_ The words replayed through his mind like a mantra of safety. He just hoped Armestius Lubeck knew what he was talking about, as _Transformational Curses and Hexes_ was the only book that had said anything on the subject at all.

Eventually, the passage twisted, and the howling abruptly became louder and less distorted. In the dim light, Severus could see where the tunnel opened into what looked like a room. Slowing his pace, he cautiously stepped through.

In an instant, the howling stopped and claws snicked against the floor. Repeating Lubeck’s assurances to himself again, Severus held his ground as the wolf clambered into the room.

Some abstract corner of Severus’ mind took in the broadened snout, golden eyes, and tufted tail that marked this as a werewolf rather than the regular sort, not to mention the angry looking gash in his shoulder. He was also rather larger, though it was hard to say that for certain from this vantage point. Any wolf was much larger than a fox, after all.

 _But only a threat to humans. Only humans._

The two stared at one another for a moment, Severus’ instincts screaming at him to run while he firmly pressed his paws into the floor. His jaw started to ache, reminding him of what he held, and he tossed the napkin filled with food towards the wolf.

Warily, the wolf sniffed at the cloth, then bit into it, growling with frustration.

 _I should’ve thought about a way to make it open more easily._

An awkward bit of prodding and tearing later, the napkin was hopelessly destroyed, and the wolf had gobbled up its contents and was smacking his tongue along his lips.

Of course, then he turned his attention to his visitor.

Severus kept his feet planted as the wolf circled him, sniffing him all over. He resisted the urge to take a swipe at him with his tail when the beast insisted on sniffing there as well. He’d seen dogs back home do the same. In fact, he found his own nascent vulpine instincts prodding him to reciprocate. After a brief debate with himself over whether it was worth the loss in dignity, he gave in and sniffed at the wolf as well.

It didn’t smell like a wolf, though how he knew _that_ was a bit of a mystery. He’d never met one that he knew of, whether in human form or fox. He didn’t think it smelled much like Lupin either, not that he’d ever paid that much mind.

Once the greeting ritual was apparently over, the werewolf touched his nose to Severus’ and then gave it a lick.

Simultaneously relieved and affronted, Severus yipped and took a little jump forward, clamping his jaws around the broad muzzle. He barely had time to wonder just what in Merlin’s name he thought he was doing when the wolf, far from breaking free or even pulling away, lowered itself to the floor so that now, Severus was no longer looking up at him. In fact, if he were just a bit taller in this form, he supposed he’d actually be looking down. Something told him it was time to let go, and he did, relieved when the wolf’s response was to roll onto his back.

Bewildered, if relieved, Severus stared at him for a minute before yipping at him to get up and stop acting like an idiot. He wasn’t sure that translated very well from human to fox to werewolf, but the wolf did get up and give him something that looked vaguely like Lupin’s cheeky grin, tongue lolling out for all the world like a great big dog.

 _Now what?_ Severus really hadn’t known what to expect he’d do once he delivered the food. He’d considered dosing it with a Sleeping Draught to solve that problem, but there just wasn’t enough information about whether it worked properly on a transformed werewolf.

 _If it did, wouldn’t Madam Pomfrey have been giving him one all this time?  
_  
As if in answer to Severus’ unvoiced question, Lupin turned and picked up a piece of wood that looked like it might have once been part of a chair, then ran out of the room. He came back a few seconds later, still holding the wood and looking confused.

 _He’s not the only one._

Severus jumped to the side, fur flaring, when Lupin threw the bloody stick at him, but he settled down when he saw the wolf just staring at him, still bewildered.

 _If he wants me to fetch the bloody thing, he’d best think again!_

A grin stealing over his face, he picked up the piece of wood, trotted over to where Lupin stood, and then ducked between his legs and ran into the room beyond. A whuff and a whine, then claws scrabbled at the floor as the wolf gave chase. A couple of laps around the larger room, up and over one bit of ramshackle furniture and under the next, and Lupin finally caught up, pulling the stick away and running in the opposite direction and darting up the stairs.

With a grin and a yip, Severus ran after him. This was turning out even better than he’d planned.

***

Severus was bone-tired, and from the look of things, so was Lupin. After hours of chasing and roughhousing—that had frightened Severus at first, but even when the wolf nipped at him, it was never enough to break his skin—the werewolf had curled up in a corner and fallen asleep. As good an idea as that appeared, Severus had to get back.

First, though, he picked up the bits of napkin that he could find and nosed them under a pile of debris. Then he climbed down into the passageway and started the long walk back. He noticed with some satisfaction that his right leg was no more sore or tired than the rest of him. Perhaps learning to reshape his bones had helped finally fix that old injury for good?

Nearly half an hour and an annoyingly difficult question from the Ravenclaw guardian later, Severus moved silently through the Common Room and crept into his dormitory. Bartleby and Reynolds were both snoring. With a feeling of relief, he Vanished the simulacrum he’d left in his own bed and slid under the covers, falling asleep almost before his head touched the pillow.

***

 _Sunday, September 21, 1975_

Severus tried not to show his surprise when Lupin showed up to breakfast the next morning. He thought he might’ve caught a suspicious look from Bartleby, but it was gone so fast that he supposed he might have imagined it.

“So, library?” he asked Lupin. “I still have another eight inches to write on my Transfiguration essay.”

“Really? I thought you’d finished.” Lupin gave him an odd look.

Lupin didn’t say any more, but he did turn up in the library about an hour later. Grabbing several books from a nearby shelf, he sat down, pulled out some parchment, and began writing.

After a few minutes during which they both worked in silence, save the scratching of their quills, Lupin looked up and asked, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Severus just shrugged. He wasn’t sure he could even really explain it all to himself.

“I mean, I know it was you. It had to be.” His hand shook a bit. “That was a ridiculous risk.”

“I’m not a complete idiot.” Severus pulled out a sheaf of parchments and thumbed through them. Activating the one with the relevant information, he passed it across the table.

“Shh!” Madam Pince hissed from her desk.

Severus cast a quick Silencing Spell around their table. Normally, he didn’t like to use it, as it looked too suspicious to be seen talking when no one could hear what was being said. In the library, though, that was hardly unusual and frequently the only way to avoid being pitched out.

Lupin read over the parchment, then looked up and said, “Some of these notes go back to first year.”

Severus just shrugged again. Yes, it had taken him three and a half years to manage the Animagus transformation. Did Lupin think he’d mastered it in a week?

“How’d you know that … biting thing would work?”

“I didn’t. Not exactly.” He’d certainly given it plenty of thought before falling asleep. “I think maybe I saw a dog do something like that once, to get the other in line.”

“Huh.” Lupin looked thoughtful. “I didn’t rip myself up as badly, having another animal around.”

“Yeah.” Severus squirmed a bit. Even knowing he should be safe, he’d still been terrified, but he wasn’t about to let on.

“That was brilliant. Thank you.”

“Don’t be all soppy about it. You’re not going to be missing any more classes, right?” Severus gave him a pointed look.

“Maybe not,” Lupin agreed.

“Good. Can’t have you bringing down the House statistics come O.W.L. time.”

“Of course not.”

Lupin sounded a bit sad as he said that last bit. Rather than think about that, Severus pointed to some of the books Lupin had grabbed and asked, “So what’re you working on now? Arithmancy, Potions, or Transfiguration?”

“Arithmancy.” Lupin grinned. “I’m done with Transfiguration, and I’ll save Potions for when you have time to talk me through it.

Rolling his eyes, Severus canceled the Silencing Spell and went back to his own homework, relieved to have that conversation over.

***

 _Monday, October 20, 1975_

“Where do you think you’re going?” Black demanded.

Severus ignored the question and kept walking. Unfortunately, he was in completely the wrong hall to be headed for the library. A better question was where the hell Black and his lot thought they were going, considering there was nothing down this way other than the passage he planned to use.

“I said, ‘where do you think you’re going?’ Do you suppose all that grease has mucked up his hearing, James?”

“Nah. The stuck-up Ravenclaw just thinks he’s too good to answer a simple question,” Potter said.

“Don’t see what he’s got to be stuck up about, going around in ratty, too-short robes without ever taking a bath. D’you even know how, Snape?”

Fed up, Severus whirled and silently threw hexes at each of the three idiots in turn. Black sprouted a pair of donkey ears and a tail. Potter, unfortunately, had enough time to get a shield up, and Pettigrew had ducked behind him. Then Severus had all he could do to block all the hexes they threw back at him.

He’d thought he was holding his own fairly well right up until a Sponge-Knees Curse hit him in the right leg, forcing him to brace himself against the wall for support or else fall. He felt the packet of food in his pocket smash between his hip and the wall, not to mention the old dull ache flaring sharply to life. Furious, he slung back everything short of an Unforgivable that he could think of in between attempts to Disarm his attackers and blocking the spells they threw at him. Still, a couple of Stinging Hexes got through, almost making him drop his wand just as Potter cast yet another Disarming Charm.

“What in Merlin’s name is going on here?”

Severus’ wand jerked out of his hand and flew to the new arrival. Fortunately, so did Black’s, Potter’s, and Pettigrew’s.

“Three Gryffindors and a Ravenclaw. What are you lot doing dueling in the halls down here? You’re lucky I can’t take points, though I bet your Heads of House will, once they hear about this,” said Rosier.

Severus groaned. Just what he needed, to be caught by a Prefect, and a Slytherin at that. They’d take any chance they could to drag the other Houses down so they could keep their monopoly on the House Cup.

 _At least the Gryffindors should lose more points, since there are more of them._

“Now get back to your Common Rooms or the library or someplace you actually belong.”

“But our wands!” Potter demanded.

“I’m sure Professor Slughorn will pass them along to your Heads of House. I can’t say what they’ll do about getting them back to you, of course,” Rosier replied.

With much muttering, the Gryffindors turned and left. Severus, on the other hand, didn’t move.

“Well, what about it?” Rosier asked. “Leaving or what?”

“Or what.” Severus folded his arms across his chest, trying to make his propped up position look nonchalant. “There’s no rule against just being here, you know.”

“No, there isn’t.” Rosier looked at him thoughtfully. “That wasn’t half-bad wand work.”

“Am I supposed to thank you?”

“Too bad you weren’t sorted into Slytherin. We could use a few with moves like that.” He nodded at Severus’ leg. “You should have Pomfrey take a look at that knee.”

“I could fix it myself if I had my wand back,” Severus snarled.

Rosier appeared to consider this for a moment before sorting through the wands he held and tossing one to Severus. The right one, surprisingly enough.

“Got no problem with Ravenclaw,” he said, “even if you lot do give us a run for the Cup.”

Warily, Severus kept an eye on the Prefect as he countered the spell on his knee, then tested it and pushed off from the wall. It held.

“Now get out of here before I change my mind.”

With a nod, Severus turned and left. He’d have to use one of the other exits tonight.

***

Hours later, he crawled into bed, even more exhausted than he’d been last month. It had been worth it, though, to see that ridiculous grin on Lupin’s face when he’d popped through the hole that led into his shack. He didn’t think too hard about why that made him fall asleep wearing a grin of his own.


	3. Chapter 3

_Saturday, November 16, 1975_

“Supposed to be the most haunted house in Britain,” Lily said with a shudder as they looked at the boarded up building. “They say it’s got worse lately. Picked up an extra ghost or two.”

“That why they’re calling it the Shrieking Shack?” Severus asked, bemused. He supposed the combination of Lupin’s howls and his own odd screeching noise once they really got tussling probably did sound like angry ghosts.

“I guess. Nobody’s been able to get inside to check it out,” she said.

“Why bother?” Lupin asked, an edge of fear to his voice that Severus hoped Lily didn’t catch.

“For the thrill, of course!” said Black, coming up behind them. “Besides, I don’t think there’s anything to the haunting rumors at all.”

“Oh, really?” Lily narrowed her eyes at him. “Even Nearly Headless Nick says the Hogwarts ghosts won’t go near the place.”

“Nah,” Potter said. “Sirius is right. Probably somebody’s found a way in and uses the place for a good time. Maybe they should call it the Shagging Shack!”

Severus rolled his eyes while Black and Potter laughed at their own stupidity, Pettigrew giggling nervously behind them. Still, it wouldn’t do for them to go thinking there was any reason to mess with the place.

“The Grey Lady says the same,” he said, despite the fact he’d never talked to her about it at all. “I think the Hogwarts ghosts probably know a haunting when they see one.”

“Maybe we should try it out,” Black said to Lily with a leer.

“Hey!” Severus yelled.

At the same time, Lily slapped Black hard across the face. “As if I’d go anywhere with a tosser like you!”

Undaunted, Black said, “Well, then, maybe your friend here? The one that knows how to take a bath, I mean. I’m not fussy, but I have _some_ standards.”

Severus’ wand was in his hand almost before he’d thought to draw it, and he was about to try out his new Cutting Hex on the bastard when suddenly Lily was in the way, shoving Black into the other two Gryffindors.

Lupin didn’t say a word, but his wand was out too, and his face had turned an angry red.

“Leave us alone, you insufferable toerags!” Lily yelled. “Go drown yourselves in Butterbeer or stuff your faces with Sugar Quills or something!”

“We have to head back soon anyway,” Pettigrew said with a quivering voice. “And I did want to stop in at Zonko’s.”

“Fine, fine,” Potter replied. “More fun to be had there anyway than looking at some dumb old building.”

Severus let out a silent sigh of relief and put his wand away when the three Marauders finally left.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” Lily said. “I don’t know why Sirius said that to you. He’s just an idiot.”

Remus didn’t say anything, though he was still awfully flushed.

“He shouldn’t have said what he did to you either,” Severus pointed out.

“I did slap him for it.”

“And then you got in my way.”

Lily looked at him curiously, and Severus realized she was probably wondering why he hadn’t drawn his wand already when Black insulted her but had when he’d gone for Lupin. He wasn’t quite sure himself.

“Since they’re all off to Zonko’s, why don’t we try Honeyduke’s before we have to go back?” Lupin said at last.

“Great idea,” Lily agreed, grabbing each of them by the arm and all but dragging them back to the road into Hogsmeade.

***

 _Tuesday, November 18, 1975_

He trotted along the passageway, food-stuffed napkin gripped in his teeth. He’d managed to avoid the Marauders this time, but only just. It was eerie how they always seemed to know right where to find him.

When he climbed through the hole into the Shrieking Shack, Lupin was just stuffing his clothes and wand into a box that vanished when he shut it. Then he turned to look at Severus.

“You’re early this time.” He came closer and knelt down. “You’ll hex me later if I pet you, won’t you?”

Severus set down the food and yipped in reply. He wasn’t sure he really would. In fact, it made him feel odd in a not entirely unpleasant way to be sitting here with his naked friend. Lupin didn’t seem bothered, for all that this felt very different than simply being in the same room whilst changing or other times they’d seen one another without clothes.

“You probably should’ve waited just a bit,” Lupin said. “The moon’ll be up in a few minutes anyway.”

Severus nudged the packet of food towards him.

“Nah, not yet. Though it wouldn’t hurt to open it.” He suited actions to words and had the thing just about undone when he yelled and fell back like he’d been hit.

This looked nothing like the flowing, shifting transformation Severus had learned. Lupin shook and cried and retched, and the only sounds worse than his screams were those of his bones breaking and clacking together in new arrangements. When he finally lay still, completely changed, Severus padded over and licked his nose, feeling oddly protective of the larger animal.

The wolf looked up at him and whined, then licked his snout in return before scrabbling to his feet and ambling over to the half-unwrapped food. When he’d ripped it the rest of the way open and gobbled the food, he gave Severus a grin and flipped the torn napkin at him, apparently declaring that the first game of the night.

Severus snatched it out of the air and darted away, eager to get on with the night’s games and to forget the hideous moments he’d just witnessed.

***

 _Saturday, February 14, 1976_

“That for Lily?” Lupin asked as he rooted around in his trunk for something.

“What?” Severus looked up from the letter he’d been writing, annoyed. He wanted this done before breakfast. “Why would I be writing to Lily?”

“Oh, I don’t know, because it’s Valentine’s Day?” There was an edge to Lupin’s voice.

Severus shook his head and went back to his letter. He hadn’t written home since before Christmas, and even though he doubted his father would let the owl in, he wanted to at least ask how his mother was doing and tell her a bit about his term. Now, however, he couldn’t seem to concentrate on what he’d wanted to say next.

“Well, you do fancy her, after all,” Lupin said.

Severus’ stomach tied itself into a knot and undid itself again in the space of two breaths. He didn’t say a word. No, he didn’t fancy _Lily_ , though it had taken him ages to realize it.

Lupin came to stand next to Severus’ bed. “You do, don’t you?”

“No,” Severus muttered, wishing Lupin would just go away before he said or did something stupid.

“Well, I don’t, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m not ‘worried about’ anything,” Severus growled, though that was reassuring to hear. He kept his eyes firmly on his letter.

“Good then,” Lupin said. After a moment he added, “So I’ll see you at breakfast, yeah?”

“Right.” Severus didn’t look up even after the door shut, but it took him several minutes to get back to his letter.

***

Severus got to the Great Hall with just barely enough time to grab some toast and pumpkin juice. He was deliberately ignoring the candles that had been shaped into hearts floating over the table, so he almost missed the heavy silence and the looks being shot back and forth amongst Bartleby, Reynolds, and a very red-faced Lupin.

“What?” He looked at all three of them.

“Someone sent him a Valentine,” Bartleby said.

“But he won’t say who,” Reynolds added.

His toast turned into lead in his stomach as Severus turned to look at Lupin, who held a bit of parchment crumpled up in a fist. “Oh, really?”

“It’s nothing,” Lupin said. “Someone’s idea of a joke.”

Severus couldn’t quite decide whether that was better or worse, but the ice-cold feeling in his stomach flashed abruptly into a heated fury, and he thought he had a fair idea just where it ought to be directed.

“It’s nothing,” Lupin repeated as the others got up and started to leave.

“Fine, it’s nothing,” Severus snapped. “Come on before we’re late then.”

It was a shame the halls were so crowded with teachers lining them all up for the trek to Hogsmeade. He had a perfectly good shot at Black if not for Professor McGonagall standing not three feet away. No matter. There would be other opportunities.

***

“What? Heading to Puddifoot’s with both of them?” Potter came alongside and tugged at Lily’s scarf. “Didn’t think you had it in you, Evans. I mean, I knew you had to be up to _something_ when you turned me down, but I never imagined—”

“As if I need a reason other than not wanting to go with you!” Lily retorted, shoving him away. “Besides, we’re not going to Puddifoot’s. We’re going to Scrivenshaft’s.”

“How utterly boring,” Black said from beside Lupin.

Severus didn’t need to look to know Pettigrew would be behind him.

“So is that why you didn’t even answer my note?” Black continued. “Too busy shopping for quills and parchment?”

“Like Evans said, don’t need a reason.” Lupin had his hands rammed into his pockets and was looking down at his feet as if expecting to find something there waiting to trip him.

Furious, Severus slid his wand into his hand quietly and glanced around to see if there were any teachers nearby.

 _Not that the shopkeepers might not say something, so it can’t be anything obvious.  
_  
“You know what I think?” Potter asked.

“What?” Black and Pettigrew replied on cue.

“I think Evans here is just covering up for these two.”

“What? You’re passing me up for this greasy git?” Black demanded of Lupin, his hand held over his heart and a look of fake horror on his face. “Say it isn’t so!”

“That’s enough!” Lily shouted, just as Lupin said, “Better him than you!”

With a flick of his wrist, Severus sent a Trip Jinx behind him and heard Pettigrew land with a satisfying thump. When Black turned to look, Severus shot one at him too. He regretted having to leave Potter standing, but Lily was in the way.

“Sev!” She nudged him with her elbow. “We’ll get into trouble!”

“Leave us alone,” he said to the other three Gryffindors, pointedly ignoring Lily’s warning, “or you’ll get worse than a bruised arse for it.”

Potter gave Pettigrew a hand up as Black scrambled to his feet.

“This isn’t over!” Black said.

Severus didn’t even dignify that with a reply, though he heard Lily say, “It never started, you prat.”

By the time they reached Scrivenshaft’s, he could barely remember why they’d been so set on going there to begin with, but he wanted nothing more than to make their purchases and leave.

***

 _Sunday, February 15, 1976_

 __Severus didn’t wait until after dinner this time. He couldn’t. Something about the afternoon’s confrontation had needled at him all day, but the only place he thought he could possibly deal with it was their shack. He’d arrived nearly half an hour ago, and was pacing back and forth when he finally heard footsteps approaching. He ducked behind a pile of debris. Lupin said Pomfrey only ever came as far as the first room and never upstairs, but he didn’t intend to risk that this would be the one time it was different.

“There you are then,” the matron said. “I’ll see you in the morning. With any luck, you won’t need to stay. I’m impressed with how well you’ve been handling your changes this year.”

“Thank you, Madam Pomfrey.”

Severus heard an audible sniff.

“Madam Pomfrey?”

“I thought I smelled … never mind, Mr. Lupin. Just send your clothes over as usual, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

After a few minutes, he heard Lupin call his name. He transformed and went downstairs, relieved to find Lupin still clothed.

“Why’d you come so early?” Lupin looked him up and down. “You know I’d rather you weren’t here while I change.”

Severus stuffed his hands in his pocket. His idea from earlier seemed stupid now.

“Well, you can’t stay here like that!”

“Wasn’t going to!”

“Well then, what?”

He’d thought of things to say. Really he had. But whatever they’d been, they were gone now, and all he could do was grab the front of Lupin’s robes and pull him close, mashing their mouths together and hoping Lupin wouldn’t push him away.

He didn’t.

After a very long few seconds, Remus grabbed his robes as well, holding them both together tightly. Their teeth clacked against each other, their noses got in the way, and they were probably doing it all wrong, but it was bloody brilliant.

And then Remus did push back, but it was all right because he didn’t actually let go of Severus’ robes. They just stood there staring at each other like idiots for a minute.

“You’d better go,” Remus said. “I mean, come back. But just … just go out for a bit until I’ve changed. There’s not much time. I can feel it.”

With a reluctant nod, Severus stepped back and shifted into his fox form before leaving.

He went about halfway down the tunnel before he stopped and sat, tail curled about his feet. From this distance, he thought he might manage not to hear Remus’ bones breaking and reshaping themselves. He didn’t bother wishing it could be different. Wishing was a waste of time. But he still hated that Remus’ transformations hurt him so much, though at least he no longer tore at himself, not since Severus had been staying with him.

To distract himself, Severus considered the many possibilities that this protected hideaway of theirs might offer. Even if they weren’t both blokes, he didn’t much fancy the idea of sitting around the Ravenclaw Common Room snogging like some of the sixth years got up to. And since they were both blokes, well, it wasn’t much of an option anyway.

But here! Here they had the perfect hideaway. Yes, it was a bit of a walk, but no one would disturb them. He tried not to think of Black’s crude comments, but the fact remained that it really was the perfect place to try a bit more kissing without risk of interruption. Or possibly other things. He grinned at the thought.

Just then, he heard the howls that told him it was safe to come back. He smirked to himself at the irony of that thought as he trotted back up to the shack and hopped through the hole leading inside.

Remus was there, tongue lolling from the side of his mouth, and Severus wondered if the wolf knew what had happened before he’d changed. Remus remembered enough about his time as a wolf, but he’d never been really clear about whether the wolf remembered anything about being human.

 _And if he does remember, what will he do about it?_

Kissing a werewolf right before he transformed might not have been the brightest idea Severus had ever had. It wasn’t in any of the research he’d done, but he rather didn’t think that wolves in general, much less werewolves, took that sort of thing particularly slowly. While he’d just been thinking of the various _things_ they could do in this shack, he didn’t much want to do them right now, in this form, with Remus in _that_ form.

He waited, scanning the room for the best escape route, should he need one. One of the boarded up windows caught his eye. One plank had rotted away in a lower corner, leaving an opening that might be just large enough for him but was definitely too small for the werewolf. He didn’t much want to leave Remus alone, but at least the option was there.

Remus whuffed at him, then whined, and Severus tilted his head to one side trying to decipher his meaning. Then he worked it out.

 _Damn!_

He’d been so preoccupied, he’d forgotten all about the food. Hell, he’d skipped his own dinner. He always brought food. Always. So of course, the werewolf was looking for it. Or at least, that’s what he hoped the wolf was looking for.

Casting about for a distraction, he picked up one of the pieces of wood strewn on the floor and tossed it over to Remus, who snatched it out of the air, dropped it to the floor, and looked at Severus expectantly.

Running back down the tunnel to go fetch some sort of dinner was looking more and more like an enticing option when Severus heard something. Clearly so had the wolf, as both went still, ears twitching towards the hole that led into the passage back to the Whomping Willow.

Severus sniffed the air, but there was no breeze to bring in a scent that would tell him what had got into the tunnel, but he had a sinking feeling in his stomach that was confirmed when the next sound he picked up was Black’s voice.

“I’m telling you, I saw him come this way.”

“The map’s broken, Sirius,” Pettigrew said. “You didn’t see him come here from Hogwarts. You said he just suddenly showed up in this tunnel and then turned around and went back.”

Severus felt a low growl start in his throat. He choked it off when he heard it echoed behind him.

The werewolf was staring intently at the entryway. Had he recognized the voices as human?

 _Likely not. But when he catches their scent, there’ll be no stopping him!_

A dozen possibilities tumbled through Severus’ mind. Any combination of the Marauders killed or turned would see Remus being sent to Azkaban or worse. Hell, even for them to find out about Remus’ lycanthropy could be a disaster. What was he to do though? Chase them off? They weren’t likely to run away from a bloody fox!

“I bet they’re both here somewhere,” Potter said. “He’s up to something.”

“Yeah, ‘up’ all right. Can’t imagine what Lupin sees in the greasy bastard.”

“Well, I don’t want to find them if they’re … you know,” Pettigrew whined.

“We’re not going to find anybody if you two don’t shut up!” Potter hissed.

Remus’ growl had grown louder.

“What’s that?”

They were getting too close. He had to do something. Severus turned and faced the werewolf, reminded once again just how disparate their sizes were.

The faintest of breezes finally brought the scent of the three humans into the room.

The werewolf darted for the hole leading to the tunnel.

Severus reared up on his hind legs with a screeching noise he hadn’t even realized he could make.

Confused, the wolf stopped.

Severus lunged forward and bit down on the werewolf’s snout, pulling both of them down to the floor.

The wolf lay down, but unlike the first time, when Severus let up on his snout, he didn’t roll over, just lay there and growled.

Severus yipped at him and turned towards the hole, never taking his eyes off the werewolf.

Remus didn’t move.

A few steps and Severus looked back.

The wolf hadn’t moved.

Severus leapt through the hole and into the tunnel, scrambling down until it became level and racing towards the wand-lit idiotic Gryffindors, screeching as loud as he could manage.

“What in Merlin’s name is that?”

“Let’s get out of here!”

“I told you this was a bad idea!”

Their voices jumbled together as they ran. Severus’ throat was getting sore from keeping up the noise he was making, but it seemed to be working to drive them out, probably all the better since they hadn’t got a good look at him. Relief surged through him, but he didn’t dare let up.

Behind him, he heard the werewolf finally wrest itself into the tunnel with a crash of shattering wood.

At least he’d stayed put as long as he did, but dammit, they weren’t safe yet!

The Gryffindors all had a good enough head start, or so he hoped. But the wolf was fast, and if Black, Potter, and Pettigrew didn’t get their arses out of the tunnel quickly, Severus wasn’t at all sure he could keep the wolf from getting at least one of them.

Putting on a burst of speed, he caught up to the slowest of the Marauders and nipped his ankle, spitting out the coppery taste that drew.

“Something bit me!” Pettigrew shrieked, kicking out and falling down.

 _Idiot!_

Severus could hear the wolf gaining on them. He screeched again, and Black and Potter hauled Pettigrew to his feet and dragged him away.

The tunnel was getting a bit lighter. They had to be near the Whomping Willow.

 _How are they going to get past it? How did they manage it in the first place?_

There wasn’t time to do more than wonder, because the werewolf was catching up. Terror rose like bile in his throat.

Severus turned and yipped at him to go back, but the wolf only howled and kept coming.

And then a beam of moonlight lit the three Gryffindors as they climbed out of the tunnel, Severus still chasing them.

“Quick, grab it!”

“I can’t! It’ll get me!”

With an inward groan, Severus realized what they must have done. He exited the tunnel and quickly spotted the branch leaning against the knot that controlled the tree. He pounced, knocking it away just as he heard the sound of another set of claws scrambling for purchase behind him.

The tree came to life, limbs flailing and pounding at the ground. The werewolf ducked back into the tunnel as a branch slammed down right in front of the entryway.

Severus jumped again, hoping to get clear of the tree’s range.

A branch thumped against the ground behind him, and he allowed himself a small sigh of relief.

The next branch caught his hindquarters and sent him flying.

He was too high. Much, much too high for this body that had never practiced leaping from swings in the park. Black and his friends were like ants on the ground in the moonlight. Severus shifted quickly and tried to catch hold of the threads of magic in the air that could support him, carry him, but the stabbing pain in his leg cut through his concentration, and the limb hung at an awkward angle that wouldn’t let him catch his balance.

He flung his arms in front of him as the ground rushed up to meet him. Fire raced up from wrists to elbows to shoulders, and it was a sweet relief when the darkness swallowed him whole and snuffed out the pain.

***

 _Monday, February 16, 1976_

It was like swimming through treacle, trying to fight his way up to fresh air and sunlight, and even once his face was clear of it, he still couldn’t quite fill his lungs and had to make short gasps between the pain.

Forcing his eyes open, Severus took in his surroundings. Considering the way he felt, he was not at all surprised to find himself in the hospital wing, but he couldn’t quite recall what had happened to bring him here.

A moan from the next bed got his attention, and he looked over to see Lupin—no, Remus—looking worse than Severus had seen him all term. The night’s events came back in a rush.

 _Oh, hell._

Another moan, this one from further away, drew his eyes to a bed on the far side of the room. Madam Pomfrey and the headmaster were leaning over someone, casting spell after spell.

“It can’t be, Albus,” the matron said. “Look! The result is unmistakable.”

“I cannot take a chance with this,” Dumbledore said. “There are parents who will feel this proves I have taken too many risks as it is.”

Madam Pomfrey had more to say about that, but it all blended together as the treacle dragged Severus back under.

***

The next time Severus woke, the headmaster was standing over Remus’ bed, staring at him.

“Sir, I-I don’t remember everything, but I’m sure I didn’t! You said I never got out of the tunnel.”

“Mr. Pettigrew said the incident occurred inside the tunnel,” Dumbledore said sadly. “And if you cannot remember the details, then how can you be sure that you did not—”

“But I couldn’t have!” Remus sounded panicked now.

“Couldn’t have what?” Severus wheezed, the pain in his chest making it hard to get enough breath to speak.

“Ah, Mr. Snape. You are awake.” The headmaster didn’t look particularly pleased by this. “Perhaps you can explain some of this.” His tone suggested that he did not expect to like the explanation.

“Explain what, sir?” he stalled. Why couldn’t he have woken up sooner and found out what had happened?

“Explain why you led three other students out onto the grounds at night, what you were all doing in that hidden passage under the Whomping Willow, and why I now have a hospital wing full of injured fifth years?”

“Led?” he croaked.

Madam Pomfrey handed him a glass of water, which he gulped down immediately. It did nothing for his chest, not to mention his obviously re-broken leg, but at least he could swallow properly.

“I didn’t lead anyone anywhere, sir,” he said. “I … I didn’t realize I was being followed.”

 _Not to mention I’ve no idea how._

“Be that as it may,” Dumbledore replied, looking only slightly less angry, “your carelessness may very well have been far more costly than I think you realize. Do you have any idea the danger in which you have put Mr. Lupin?”

“What?” He darted a look at Remus, who looked pale and frightened. “No! I chased them away once I knew they were there!”

“Not, it would appear, in time.”

Madam Pomfrey snapped, “I’m telling you, my Lycanthropy Diagnostic is accurate. Mr. Pettigrew is _not_ cursed!”

“And yet he was bitten by something.” Dumbledore spread his hands.

Those words seemed to turn Severus’ blood into a river of ice. If they believed Remus had done it, never mind being expelled from Hogwarts, he’d be sent to Azkaban at best. With all that was going on these days, it was more likely they’d just execute him.

“I bit him,” he choked out.

“Excuse me?” the headmaster asked.

“I bit him.” Severus tried to draw a deep breath, but the pain in his chest stopped him. “He wasn’t running fast enough, so I bit his ankle to get him to move.”

Dumbledore’s eyes opened wider than Severus had ever seen them, as did Pomfrey’s.

“And why, pray tell, did ankle-biting seem the most logical recourse to you, Mr. Snape?” the headmaster asked.

“I’m an Animagus,” he muttered, then waited for the tirade that was sure to follow. A student might get let off the standard two year sentence for being an unregistered Animagus, but there would surely be something.

“Are you really?” Dumbledore no longer looked angry, but his eyes glittered strangely.

“I told you there was nothing wrong with my diagnosis,” Pomfrey said with a huff. “Now let this poor boy alone. He’s going to be drinking Skele-Gro for the rest of the afternoon, now that he’s awake to do it.”

Dumbledore turned to Remus. “It seems we are fortunate to have evidence that it was not you who bit Mr. Pettigrew. But make no mistake, both of you have acted recklessly. Your attendance here has always been contingent upon other students and their families remaining unaware of your condition and the ability of our arrangements to keep you contained.”

“Yes, sir.” Remus looked down at the sheets he had twisted between his hands.

“I cannot risk another such incident. The house-elves will pack your belongings so that you may leave when Madam Pomfrey deems you fit to be discharged from her care.”

“No!” Severus cried out.

Dumbledore turned to look at him. “You will have your turn. However, it would behoove you to remember that this is, in part, the result of your actions.”

Severus pressed his lips together tightly, lest he say anything to make it worse. Madam Pomfrey pressed a steaming beaker filled with Skele-Gro into his hand, a stern look on her face. He swallowed it, barely noting the burning sensation and foul taste, though it was hard to ignore the splinter-like sensations in his chest and leg that began almost as soon as he’d finished. Predictably, she asked about the prior break, but he didn’t bother to answer.

Dumbledore was still talking to Remus. It seemed he wasn’t going to break Remus’ wand, but rather had some plan for him to finish his education outside Hogwarts.

 _But he won’t be here._

He glared at the occupant of the bed on the far side of the room. Whatever Dumbledore might say, Severus knew who he held responsible for this fiasco.


	4. Chapter 4

_Tuesday, February 17, 1976_

Severus woke well before dawn. He looked over at Remus’ empty bed, heavy blue curtains tidily pulled aside, linens neatly arranged. The sick feeling in his gut propelled him to his feet.

Dressing quickly and quietly, he hurried to get back to the hospital wing, completely ignoring the mumbled inquiries of his other dorm-mates.

When he arrived at the hospital wing, Remus was still fast asleep. He looked small and frail as he laid there, nothing at all like his boisterous canine playmate or the ravening monster he’d turned into when he’d scented his prey.

Pettigrew, fortunately, was long gone.

Severus felt rather than heard Madam Pomfrey come up behind him.

“The headmaster has sworn the others to secrecy,” she said. “No doubt he’ll ask the same of you.”

Severus snorted.

 _He hardly needs to._

“Indeed.” She rested a hand on his shoulder briefly but withdrew it when he flinched. “Mr. Lupin will be leaving directly after breakfast.”

Once she’d gone, he took a few steps closer to the bed, fingertips reaching towards the angry red scar that ran across Remus’ cheek. After a brief hesitation, he let himself trace the shiny newly healed skin, only pulling back when Remus’ eyes fluttered open.

Severus nearly smiled. This was a sight he’d be happy to see more often. Problem was he never would.

“Hey,” Remus said.

“Good morning,” Severus replied.

Remus sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. “It’s morning already?”

“Technically.” A glance out the windows showed at least a slight lightening.

Remus grinned at that, though only for a moment. “I can’t believe this is my last day here. Ever.”

Severus jammed his hands into his pockets. There really wasn’t anything to say to that.

Two trays appeared on the small table beside Remus’ bed, laden with steaming bowls of porridge, toast, butter, jam, and pumpkin juice. Almost as an afterthought, a teapot and two cups popped into existence between the trays.

Severus thought that was rather rich. Not that he much felt like eating, but couldn’t they be arsed to give Remus a full English for his last meal at Hogwarts? He sat down but didn’t touch the tray closest to him.

Remus, on the other hand, didn’t seem fussed, though he just sort of poked at the porridge for a bit before asking, “You’ll write to me, won’t you?”

Severus shrugged.

“If you let me know when there’s a Hogsmeade weekend coming, maybe I can get Dad to bring me.” Remus didn’t sound very hopeful about that. “And there’s always the summer.”

Severus gave him a pointed look. If they’d never managed to meet up during the past four summers, even when both needed to go to Diagon Alley at least once for school supplies, he didn’t think it was bloody likely they’d manage it now.

Remus looked away and busied himself pouring the tea, mumbling, “Don’t see why you came here.”

“What?”

“I thought … never mind. So this is really it then.”

Severus shrugged again. “Don’t see how it can’t be.” After a moment’s consideration, he added, “Bastards.”

“Yeah.” Remus sipped his tea, still not looking up. “Thanks for chasing them off.”

“Wish I hadn’t bitten him,” Severus replied, mentally adding, _Or that I’d bitten him harder. My life’s ruined. No reason he shouldn’t have more than a scratch for it._

“Not sure it would’ve mattered.” Remus gave a little half-shrug. “They saw me anyway.”

“Bet Dumbledore would’ve found a way for you to stay if you were one of his precious Gryffindors,” Severus muttered. “It’s not like we invited them to come around spying.”

“Yeah.” After a minute Remus said, “Since we’re not ever going to see each other again, I might as well just ask. Did you mean it?”

“What?”

“What you did before everything went bad.” Remus squirmed. “Did you mean it?”

Severus swallowed hard. “Yes.”

Madam Pomfrey burst out of her office and strode over to them, hands on her hips. “Recovered or not, you’re both growing boys. Those dishes should be empty by now.”

They both mumbled half-heartedly, Remus taking a mouthful of porridge and Severus picking up a piece of toast to nibble at.

She rolled her eyes. “See that you do better than that. I’ll be back to check that you’re ready to go in half an hour, Mr. Lupin.”

With that, she turned on her heel and went not back to her office but out the hospital wing door.

They looked at each other for a minute. She didn’t come back. Remus’ eyes glittered strangely, and then he jumped out of bed and grabbed a fistful of Severus’ robes before bending and crashing their lips together.

It was every bit as fumbly and messy as last time, but if anything, it was even more brilliant.

When they broke apart to catch their breath, Severus found himself saying, “I’ll write.”

“And I’ll get my Dad to bring me to Hogsmeade,” Remus answered.

This time, Severus pulled Remus down to him, insinuating his tongue between Remus’ lips and exploring. Devouring.

 _They think they can take this away? Take him away?_

He felt a low growl in the back of his throat.

Remus gave a small moan in reply.

It took much longer to pull away this time, and when they did, Severus just stared hard into Remus’ eyes, wishing he knew for sure what the other boy was thinking.

A pair of faint images formed in his mind, first himself reflected through a mirror charmed to be ridiculously kind, then a set of thin, red jaws clamped around a broad, grey snout. They faded so quickly he’d have been sure he’d imagined them, except that he’d never seen himself look anything other than ugly. He wasn’t sure what amazed him more, what he’d apparently done or the idea that that was how Remus saw him.

By the time Madam Pomfrey returned, Severus was planning ways to make sure those bastards regretted stealing this from him.

***

 _Saturday, April 24, 1976_

The walk to the village seemed to take an unreasonable amount of time. Severus’ leg twinged a little, but he thought that was probably because it was supposed to rain later. Madam Pomfrey had said there was probably no help for that other than Pain Potions, and he’d be damned if he was going to guzzle one of those every time it rained.

“I still don’t see why you have to be so secretive about it,” Lily said. “I mean, being too sick to carry on with school doesn’t mean being banned from coming to Hogsmeade.”

He flexed his fingers around the bag in his pocket holding far too many Knuts and Sickles and too few Galleons, his earnings from tutoring Rosier and his lot for the past two months. “It’s just better that way.”

She didn’t press it, to his relief. Knowing Remus’ wand was at risk was enough to keep her from poking too much.

Finally they were walking down the High Street, around a corner, between a couple of shops, and through a stand of trees to the meeting spot.

Remus was leaning up against a large stone, his robes as tattered as ever. He straightened when he saw them, looking as though he were about to dart forward, but then he checked himself.

“Oh, go on then. I’ve worked that much out,” Lily said.

Severus ducked his head so that his hair hid the flush he felt climbing his cheeks. Was she daft? She might think it was “sweet” or something, but he wasn’t about to run over and snog Remus in front of her.

“Boys,” she muttered before walking over to Remus and giving him a peck on the cheek. “Good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Lily.” He smiled.

“Your father didn’t come with you?” Severus asked hopefully.

“He’s meeting up with some friends at the Three Broomsticks,” Remus answered. “Some of it’s even supposed to be business.” Now it was his turn to flush. “He told me to meet him back there by two. And, erm, gave me a bit of a lecture. He’s got the idea I’m meeting a girl.”

“And so you have.” Lily grinned. With a wave, she was on her way to meet up with Felicity, Alice, and the other fifth-year Gryffindor girls.

Only when she was out of sight did Severus let himself lunge for Remus, fisting his brown robes and claiming his mouth. He tasted of tea and a hint of cinnamon, but most of all he tasted like himself, a flavor Severus had called to mind at least daily since he’d left, more often on the days his letters arrived. A flavor he could easily lose himself in.

As relatively safe as this meeting spot was, though, it made Severus nervous to linger here, so after a few minutes, he reluctantly pulled back.

“If you don’t want—” Remus started.

“Come on,” Severus interrupted, turning and walking around the stone and into the trees.

Remus caught up quickly. “I have a few Sickles.”

“I have enough,” Severus replied, looking along the backs of the shops until he found the one they were looking for, angling towards its back door.

“You shouldn’t have to pay it all.”

“You’d be surprised what the purebloods think it’s worth for me to help them bring up their marks.” Severus surely had been, though not in the way he intended Remus to interpret that. “When you’re working, we can split things.”

Before Remus could argue any more, they’d arrived, and Severus had knocked out the code he’d been assured would get them in.

A tall, grumpy-looking old man opened the door and scowled at them both as a pungent smell nearly bowled Severus over. “Well?”

Severus pulled the bag of coins out of his pocket and counted out the amount he’d been told would be asked.

The man took the coins and looked Severus and Remus up and down. “What year are you two?”

“Fifth,” Severus answered. “Are you planning to tell the headmaster?”

The old man snorted and muttered something about kettles and cauldrons as he fished about in his own pocket, finally tossing over a key and waving them in.

It probably wasn’t dignified to run up the stairs like a couple of third-years being let into Honeydukes for the first time, but Severus couldn’t be arsed to care.

***

It had gone one-thirty by the time they started sorting out whose clothes were which and scrambling into them.

“If your father sees that ridiculous grin on your face, he’s really going to believe you were meeting a girl,” Severus pointed out as he pulled on his boots.

“And so I did,” Remus agreed. “In fact, I can say in all truthfulness that I did meet up with a girl today, and she even kissed me.”

Severus rolled his eyes, though he found himself approving of the deception. It was far easier not to be caught in a lie, after all, if one never actually told one to begin with. Still, he found himself grabbing Remus for one last frantic kiss, trying to memorize the feel and taste of him.

Finally, though, they had to leave. Once downstairs, Severus tossed the key into the drop-box the inkeeper had indicated and ducked out the back door just after Remus. With a look and a nod to one another, each took a different direction: Remus for the Three Broomsticks and Severus to meet Lily at Dervish and Banges.

The air still smelled like rain, but somehow, he wasn’t quite so bothered by it. Oh, his leg still hurt, not to mention all the new aches he’d picked up in places he hadn’t realized he even had before, but he wasn’t fussed. No foolish twinge or ache could dull the shine on this day.

Walking up the steps to Dervish and Banges, he’d just grabbed the door handle when a hand clapped onto his shoulder.

“Fancy finding you here!” Black said with a too-wide grin. “What’ve you been doing, Snivellus?”

Severus sneered at him, eyes darting around to figure out where he’d come from and where the other two were hiding. He stepped away from the door and planted his feet in a dueling stance.

“More like who,” Potter added from behind him.

Severus forced his expression to remain bland. “Is that really the best you can do?”

“Oh, I’ll bet you think you’ve outfoxed us,” Potter said softly in his ear. “But I know. We know.”

“What do you want?” Severus demanded through clenched teeth.

“Want?” Black asked. “Don’t want a thing from you.”

“Just a friendly reminder that we’ll be keeping an eye on you,” Potter said.

“Consorting with Slytherins, shagging Dark Creatures.” Black spread his hands, palms up. “I’ll bet that alone could land you both in Azkaban. Who knows what sort of other trouble you’ll get up to?”

Severus felt every nerve in his body flare to life with the urgent need to rip Black’s throat out for that. If not for the shop full of people next to them, he feared he might have done.

Just then, the door to the shop flew open, and Lily and her friends streamed out.

“Sev! Perfect timing,” she said, barely sparing the other two boys a glance as she grabbed his elbow and pulled him along with her. “I found something you absolutely have to see at Scrivenshaft’s.”

“We’re not buying it, Evans,” Potter called after them.

“Sod off!” she tossed over her shoulder, adding to Severus, “You all right?”

“Never better,” he muttered. “Don’t need you rescuing me.”

She gave him an odd look, but he wasn’t about to explain. She couldn’t possibly understand what her Housemates had just done to what had been the best day of his life. It took every bit of determination he could muster to pretend interest in the new batches of Ever-Changing Inks and Copperplate Quills that had Lily so excited. He didn’t think she’d approve of the things he was planning instead.

***

 _Friday, June 11, 1976_

Severus stared at his Defense Against the Dark Arts exam paper. He knew he really ought to move on to studying for next week’s exams, but he never could help picking apart the questions afterwards. At least he had no doubts about question ten, even if he had been sorely tempted to add, _“And the sixth sign identifying a werewolf is that he was dismissed from school for no fault of his own and now has to be tutored by an Auror in training who’s never taught a day in his life before this.”_

At least Remus was to be allowed to take his O.W.L.s. Good job the full moon was tomorrow so it wouldn’t interfere too much.

 _I wish I could be there._

Remus made light of it in his letters, but there was no doubt he was tearing at himself in frustration, locked in his parents’ barn for the full moon, something he’d never done in the few months Severus had spent the evening with him. It just wasn’t fair.

Deciding that he wasn’t going to get anything accomplished sitting under a patch of bushes woolgathering, Severus shoved the parchment into his bag and started back towards the castle. He’d barely taken three steps when he heard Potter call after him.

Severus had his bag down and his wand out in an instant, but Potter sent his wand flying, then hit him with an Impediment Jinx as he dove after it. He struggled against it, but he might as well have been chained down for all the good it did, and with his wand still a good ten feet away, all he could do was sputter at them. “Just you wait! You’ll get yours, you bloody bastards!”

“Language,” Black said in a falsetto voice before casting, “ _Scourgify!_ ”

Pink bubbles frothed from his mouth faster than he could spit them out, and he started to choke.

“What’s wrong with you lot? Let him be!” Lily was storming across the grass at them.

“Why should I?” Potter asked.

“Really, Evans, if you knew …” Black let his voice trail off.

“I don’t care what you bullying toerags think you know!” She put her hands on her hips. “And it’s not like you haven’t gone out of your way to leave enough hints what you think.”

Finally, the Impediment Jinx wore off, and Severus started crawling over towards his wand while the others were distracted. Pettigrew noticed, he saw, but he seemed more interested in the show than who won, as he didn’t say a word.

“How’s this, Evans: I’ll leave him alone if you go out with me.” Potter smiled at her.

“I’d rather go out with the giant squid,” she retorted.

“You really have been hanging around Snivelly too long,” Black muttered.

“Shut it, you!”

Severus reached his wand and spun with it, nonverbally casting his newest hex and slicing that grinning idiot’s cheek open. Half a second later, he was hanging upside down with his robes up over his face.

 _How the hell did he get hold of that one? Lily wouldn’t have, would she?_

“Let him down!”

Severus fell into a heap on the ground, only to find himself in a Full Body Bind before he could react.

“Stop it already! What’s wrong with you?” Lily demanded.

Abruptly, the Body Bind was released, and Severus clambered to his feet.

“Quite the defender you’ve got there, Snivellus,” Black sneered.

“I don’t need defending by a silly Mudblood,” Severus snapped, clamping his mouth shut too late.

Lily went pale. “Fine. If that’s the way you feel about it.”

He swallowed hard.

 _I didn’t mean it!_

“Apologize right now,” Potter demanded.

“As if you’re any better!” Lily yelled.

“I’d never call you that!”

But Lily had already turned and was leaving. Severus tried to push past the other two to go after her, only to find himself hanging by his ankles again with James bloody Potter asking who wanted his pants taken down.

“I told you I didn’t want to see that!” Pettigrew whined.

“Here, what’s this? What’re you lot up to?”

Severus landed in a heap on the ground again, wondering if it wouldn’t just do him the favor of swallowing him whole this time. His right leg had buckled under him this time, and he cursed the sharp pain that shot through it. He ignored the bickering until someone grabbed his shoulder and gave it a shake.

“You all right, mate?” It was Rosier.

Severus groaned as he stood up. “Never better.”

“What do you let them get away with that for?”

“What’s it to you?”

Rosier ignored the question. “Don’t even see your Housemates around.”

Severus shrugged. Most were probably in the library. That didn’t mean anything.

“Look, thanks for showing up when you did, but I’ve got to run.”

“Suit yourself.”

Severus ran to find Lily and apologize.

***

 _Friday, June 18, 1976_

Remus was waiting right where he’d said he would be, just out of the way of the cars coming and going from King’s Cross. He wasn’t doing anything quite so obvious as holding a bouquet of flowers, but he was wearing an utterly foolish grin.

“You’re here,” he said when Severus got closer.

“Obviously.” Severus smirked at him. “Did you find a place?”

Remus flushed. “It’s not the greatest, but at least it doesn’t smell like goats.” He looked around. “Isn’t Lily going to say hello before we go?”

Now Severus could feel his own face reddening. “We had a bit of a row. She’s not quite forgiven me yet, so I wasn’t able to tell her you’d be here.”

“Oh.” Remus furrowed his brow. “Are you all right? Only I know you’ve been friends since before Hogwarts.”

“She’ll come around,” he said with a confidence he didn’t feel. “We’ll need to stop at Gringotts. I’ve only got a couple of pounds of Muggle money.”

Remus’ brow didn’t smooth. “Right then. You know, I might actually be able to get a bit of a job soon. Then you won’t have to treat all the time.”

“What kind of job?”

Severus hardly cared about the details, though they sounded mad. He might’ve lost Lily for a bit, but he still had Remus. That was enough for now.

***

  
_  
Friday, July 23, 1976_

“So he hasn’t made you register?” Remus asked, eyes darting about to make sure no one was close enough to hear.

“Stop it,” Severus hissed. “Nobody’s near, and you’re acting suspicious. Flourish’ll think we’re going to pinch something.” Severus brushed his fingers along the row of books, stopping at _Experimental Potions Theory_ by Damocles Belby. “And no, he hasn’t.” He shook off the sense of foreboding that fact always seemed to evoke.

“Guess it doesn’t matter. You couldn’t visit at … certain times, even if I could tell my parents why you’d be safe.” Remus shrugged. “Not till next January anyway.”

Severus had his doubts whether the Ministry could track an underaged Animagus, but he wasn’t in a terrible hurry to find out. He flipped through Belby’s book and added it to his growing pile.

“That one’s not on my list,” Remus observed.

“I fail to see why you are even taking Potions with your tutor,” Severus replied.

“I think it’s more to do with Kingsley than me. He says having to find eight different ways to explain things helps him understand it all better, and they do a lot with Potions in Auror training.”

Severus snorted. _Poisons at any rate._

“Doubt I’ll take the N.E.W.T. Slughorn would never have let me in with an A on my O.W.L., after all.”

They paid for their purchases and headed for the Leaky Cauldron.

“Too bad Lily couldn’t make it today, at least for a bit of shopping,” Remus said.

Severus suppressed a wince. He wasn’t sure when, if ever, she’d be willing to even speak to him again, and the worst of it was he couldn’t blame anyone but himself.

“Sev?”

“Perhaps another time.” Severus kept his tone as even as he could. She hadn’t answered any his letters, but Remus didn’t need to know that.

Arriving at the gateway to the pub, Remus had a lighter book load, so he tapped out the correct sequence to open the door. As they stepped through, they came face to face with the two people Severus wanted least to see.

“Snivellus! Fancy meeting you here, and with your pet, too.” Black grinned horribly.

“Been to Knockturn Alley, have you?” Potter asked.

Severus felt his lips curl into a sneer, but he flatly ignored the question. He could feel Remus tremble slightly beside him. He only hoped that was rage and not fear.

“What’re you doing with these?” Black pulled at the top of Remus’ sack of books and peered inside.

“There’s no law against reading,” Remus said, his voice even if forced.

“But there are rules against clogging up the doorways in this pub,” said an angry witch behind Potter. “Move your bloomin’ arses!”

Black and Potter stepped aside reluctantly. A rat darted past them and over Severus’ shoe.

“Sorry, miss,” Remus said as they passed.

She sniffed indignantly and stormed through to Diagon Alley.

Severus kept walking, Remus first on his heels and then by his side, and didn’t look back until they were well out of the pub. When he did, there was no sign that they were being followed.

“They’re not supposed to know,” Remus said quietly. “I should’ve ordered my books by owl post.”

“Can’t be that big a secret,” Severus replied. “O.W.L. results are public record, same as N.E.W.T.s.”

Remus didn’t appear much relieved, but he didn’t pursue it, and they walked together in silence. Once they’d arrived at what had become their regular spot in Muggle London, Severus concentrated on distracting Remus as thoroughly as possible from whatever he feared from those dunderheads.

***

 _Friday, September 24, 1976_

Severus shook his head at the first years in the corner who’d just broken his concentration with their idiotic game of Exploding Snap. They’d learn soon enough not to waste their time on such things. He turned his attention back to the letter he was writing.

 _… not as good so far. With the N.E.W.T.s two years out, some of my better customers are not as inclined to seek help. Some of the smarter ones, such as Rosier and Wilkes, obviously want to stay on top of things, but as they are the smarter ones, they require less time. I should, however, have enough by the first Hogsmeade Saturday, which was announced to be October 30 …_

He wished he felt a bit less like a soldier in some black and white film writing to his lover back home. His father watched those, apparently for the express purpose of going on about how those were real men, nothing like namby-pamby wizards, as if firing bullets from a gun were so very different than curses from a wand. No, Severus didn’t much fancy the idea of being like those men at all.

***

 _Saturday, September 25, 1976_

“Watch it, mate!” Bartleby elbowed him in the ribs. “You’re about to dunk your letter in your porridge.”

Severus crumpled the bit of parchment in his fist. He’d already memorized the main parts anyway.

 _“Finally heard back from Lily. Why didn’t you tell me? How could you turn on her like that?”_

And, of course, there was also the implied question that Remus would never ask.

 _“So when are you going to turn on me?”_

Lily was never going to forgive him. She’d made that perfectly clear. But Remus … Remus had to be able to see that he’d never meant to say such a thing, that he’d never meant it. He had to understand.

Severus pushed back his chair and stood.

“Where’re you going? You haven’t even eaten,” Reynolds said.

“Got homework to do.” Severus fled the Great Hall. Rather than the library, he went to Ravenclaw Tower and up to his room, where he flattened out the parchment and read it several more times before even trying to frame a reply.

***

 _Sunday, October 17, 1976_

It had been almost a bloody month since that last letter. Nearly a week since the last one Severus had sent, the one telling Remus about the next Hogsmeade weekend.

Not that it mattered. There was plenty else for him to do. Rosier and his lot were having some sort of a do at the Three Broomsticks and had invited him, for one.

Still, Severus was immensely relieved when, after the first wave of owls had delivered their assorted letters and issues of the _Daily Prophet_ , a smallish, familiar owl alighted in front of him, proffering a scroll of parchment. He gave it a whole rasher of bacon, which was probably a bit much, but the owl didn’t seem to mind, simply taking the thing with it.

It wasn’t much, but it said all it needed to.

 _“I’ll be there.”_

***

 _Saturday, October 30, 1976_

Remus was waiting inside the room at the inn when Severus arrived, seated at the edge of the bed, head bowed. When he looked up, his eyes looked empty.

An icy pit of lead formed in Severus’ stomach. This wasn’t going to be the carefree afternoon he’d anticipated for the past two weeks.

Then Remus launched himself at him, fists in his robes, mouth pressed firmly against his, tongue tracing the seam of his lips, begging to be let in.

Severus let himself be pulled towards the bed, ignoring the twinge as his leg bumped the table beside it. Words didn’t matter. Only this. At least they still had this.

***

 _Saturday, March 5, 1977  
_  
Severus told himself it was just because of the full moon, even though that had never been a problem during the day leading up to it before. Remus should have been fine until tonight. He was just worried about getting back by moonrise, even though they never stayed as late as all that.

He very pointedly did not think about how much more sparse Remus’ letters had become since October. That was nothing to do with why he wasn’t coming to Hogsmeade today.

And anyway, it was a chance to take Rosier up on his recurring invitation and see what that lot wanted with him.

“There you are! Pull up a chair,” Mulciber said. “What’ll you have?”

“Gillywater.” Butterbeer was far too cloying, and he had no intention of addling his wits with anything stronger.

“So, I imagine you’re wondering why we’ve invited you here,” Rosier said.

Severus nodded warily as he looked about the group, largely composed of Slytherins, including Black’s younger brother.

“You’ve helped quite a few of us out,” Rosier continued, “and not out of some typical Ravenclaw nonsense about the noble pursuit of learning.”

Severus didn’t say anything. He wasn’t exactly rich enough for that sentiment, but he wasn’t about to admit as much.

“You realize your work has value,” Rosier said. “So do we. We also value mutually beneficial arrangements such as many of us have with you already, and we’d like to see about the possibility of other such arrangements.”

“Not always to do with school,” Wilkes added.

Severus took in the faces around the table as he sipped his Gillywater. Several came from very influential families, including Black, who’d made it very clear he had no use for his Gryffindor brother.

“What did you have in mind?” he asked.

***

 _Tuesday, April 12, 1977_

Severus closed his Potions text and stared at _Experimental Potions Theory_ , which was lying open next to it. Belby had some intriguing ideas, particularly in the realm of managing irreversible curse damage by means of potions, but Severus was finding it difficult to focus on how that could be used in his essay.

Instead, he pulled out and reread the letter that had arrived at breakfast. Remus wasn’t coming to Hogsmeade next week either. He hadn’t even bothered to give a real reason why, though Severus had his suspicions.

 _Did he expect me to pine away after him and Lily and not make any other friends? He never minded when I was just taking their money._

Right. It was high time he stopped chasing after Remus like a jealous lover and simply moved on with his life. That included not mooning over him instead of doing his homework.

Severus reopened his text and picked his quill back up, steadfastly ignoring the pang in his chest as he did. He needed to finish this quickly. He didn’t want it hanging over his head when he met with Rosier’s bunch after dinner. At least they still had some use for him.


	5. Chapter 5

_Tuesday, June 20, 1978_

Four days. It had been only four days since Severus’ last Leaving Feast. It felt as though he’d stepped into another entire life during those few days.

Father had made it clear he didn’t want Severus “muckin’ about the place with that fairy-boy magic” under his roof. If Mother had still been alive, Severus wasn’t sure she’d have said anything. Father had worn her down too far over the years.

 _Just as well. Can’t be seen living in a Muggle place like that now in any case._

With Rosier’s help, he’d got a two-year apprenticeship with Arsenius Jigger that had started yesterday and included a flat above the apothecary in Diagon Alley.

And now this.

He looked at the manor house overlooking the graveyard into which Rosier’s Portkey had dropped him. The full moon hung over it, casting an eerie silvery light over manor and gravestones alike. Severus told himself that was the reason for the strange twinge its appearance caused.

Squaring his shoulders, he trudged up the hill and used his wand to tap out the sequence he’d been taught. The door swung open revealing a room full of cloaked and masked figures. He felt naked and exposed by comparison. He reminded himself that he already knew several of the faces behind the masks, that they wanted him here, had invited him. He didn’t belong here yet, but he would.

“Come in,” said the one unmasked man, a striking brunet whose slitted eyes looked barely human. Power radiated from him, and there was no question in Severus’ mind that this was the Dark Lord at last. “Come and be tested, and we shall see whether you are fit to join us.”

Severus walked forward and knelt when he was precisely one yard from the man, as he’d been told to do. He kept his breaths even, carefully thinking only of his eagerness to join the Death Eaters’ ranks and his new apprenticeship, tucking away anything inappropriate that might see him leaving this meeting in a box rather than a mask.

“Look at me,” the Dark Lord commanded.

As their eyes met, Severus felt the instant his mind was laid bare. He was walking alone into Hogsmeade, meeting with Rosier and the others in the Three Broomsticks, being tripped on the Hogwarts Express by Black, writing his apprenticeship application with Rosier making suggestions over his shoulder, studying alone in the Ravenclaw Common Room, tutoring Mulciber in Potions, dueling Black and Potter until Rosier intervened, hanging by his ankles and then dropped on his head, collaborating with Avery and the other Black on a new hex, testing it on Black’s brother, entering this room and assuring himself of his place in it. Abruptly, it all stopped.

“I see you are indeed eager. And you have successfully completed the tasks I sent you through my faithful servants.”

That gave him a start. He’d recognized the challenges for what they were, an opportunity to prove himself, but he’d no idea they’d come from the Dark Lord himself. Still, he didn’t speak.

“Do you truly wish to join us?”

“Yes.”

“Will you work tirelessly towards a return to the glorious traditions that have become so weak in recent years?”

“I will.”

“Will you obey my commands without question?”

“I will.”

“Give me your arm.”

Severus drew up his sleeve and presented his left arm.

“Do you willingly accept my Mark, that I may summon you at need and your brethren may know you as one of their own?”

“I do.”

The tip of the Dark Lord’s wand pressed into his forearm, and a searing pain shot through it. He gritted his teeth so he wouldn’t cry out, willing the tears stinging the backs of his eyes to dry.

The pain did not precisely end so much as subside to a dull ache as the Dark Lord removed his wand, leaving behind the infamous skull and snake.

“Welcome to your new family.”

Someone tugged at Severus’ elbow and handed him a cloak and mask, and a sense of satisfaction spread through him like Firewhisky licking through his veins.

“Thank you, master.”

***

 

 _Monday, March 31, 1980_

Severus held himself completely still until the echoes of his crack of Apparition faded. When he was certain that he hadn’t been noticed, he allowed himself a steadying breath. As much sense as there was to the Dark Lord’s plan, he was not looking forward to facing Dumbledore. There was, he suspected, every likelihood that this supposed interview was a trap.

There was no sentimentality about his choice of Apparition point. Coming to this spot first simply made sense, as it was one of the places in Hogsmeade that was most familiar to him. He touched the large stone and glanced up at the full moon. With a scowl, he yanked his hand back to his side and squashed the nascent question of where a certain werewolf might be tonight.

He made his way through the stand of trees and approached the Hog’s Head, going to the front entryway for the first time. The odor of goats was as bad as he’d remembered, if not worse.

He took a seat in a corner that gave him the widest possible view of his surroundings and ordered a Gillywater to satisfy the innkeeper.

“Headmaster said t’tell you he’d be down in a few minutes,” the grizzled old man said. “You’re not his only interview tonight.”

Severus acknowledged that with a nod as he accepted the glass and took a sip from the least filthy bit of it he could find.

After several long minutes, he began to grow impatient. Yes, he could wait for hours if he were required to do so, but that had not been his expectation this evening. Besides that, he had to admit a certain curiosity as to who else was being interviewed and whether they were after the same position.

The innkeeper had taken himself off to the kitchen just a bit ago, so Severus rose and took the stairs quietly, hoping to find out something useful.

It was easy enough to find the room being used, as a strange, gravelly voice was emanating from it. His eyes widened as he heard what it was saying.

“ … vanquish the Dark Lord approaches … born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies …”

“What’re you doing up here?” A large hand gripped his shoulder and spun him around. “Get your arse back downstairs and wait your turn!”

The gravelly voice had continued, but Severus hadn’t been able to hear the rest of what it said. There was silence and then a click.

The door to the room had opened. Dumbledore was standing there, and behind him was a very oddly dressed witch, whose glittery necklaces and oversized glasses gave her a distinctly insect-like appearance, and yet she was looking at Severus like something she’d found on the underside of her shoe. Fighting the urge to panic and bolt, Severus kept his mind carefully blank of everything save the startling woman and his own determination to succeed at his interview as Dumbledore regarded him carefully.

“I do not believe we will have our interview, Mr. Snape,” the headmaster said. “I have found it quite difficult for some years to find personnel who are able to maintain the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, and I do not think that eavesdropping, much less being caught at it, bodes well for someone wishing to attempt it.”

Severus pressed his lips together tightly but was careful to show no more than the ordinary frustration one might feel at being denied a position.

 _Does he not realize what I heard?  
_  
He was afraid any dignity that such a performance might have salvaged, however, was undercut by the burly innkeeper still hanging onto him.

“Off with you then,” the smelly old man said, dragging him down the stairs and pitching him out the front door so that he barely kept his feet. “To think this is the thanks I get. Ungrateful sod.”

Straightening and smoothing out his robes, Severus simply walked back towards the train station. Once well out of the way, he could Apparate back to the Dark Lord’s manor to report. He hoped that the prophetic warning he’d heard, though incomplete, might spare him the worst of his Lord’s temper for failing to complete his assigned mission.

***

 _Thursday, April 16, 1981_

Severus Conjured a table and set his steaming cauldron atop it. He didn’t bother to look out over the group of faces before him. Didn’t want to know if he recognized any of them save Greyback. Wouldn’t care if this experimental potion killed the lot, save that his master would be sorely displeased to lose the army of biddable monsters he craved.

He ladled out goblets full to each of them as he’d done yesterday and would do again for the next three days.

“So it is you,” a familiar voice said.

He looked up from the cauldron at the brown-haired man in tattered robes, framed in the silver of the mask around Severus’ eyes.

“They’ll kill her, you know.”

“On your way,” Severus barked, returning his eyes to his cauldron and ladling potion into another goblet.

It didn’t matter whether the chill running down his spine was to do with the brown-haired man or what he’d said. It didn’t.

***

 _Tuesday, August 4, 1981_

Severus’ nerves sang with terror as he scanned the small clearing in the darkness, pacing around the large stone in its center, scenting the air and listening carefully for any sounds out of place. He’d taken every precaution not to be followed, but he had every bit as much reason to fear the one expecting to meet him here as those who might have dogged his movements.

Reasonably certain he was unobserved, he shifted back to human form, his eyes taking a moment to adjust to their much poorer night vision.

A loud crack and a flash of light, and his wand shot out of his hand. Severus dropped to his knees behind the stone, but not before he saw that it was Dumbledore. That wasn’t particularly reassuring.

“Don’t kill me!” he called out, thinking, _at least not until you hear what I have to say._

“I do not plan to.” Dumbledore glared down at Severus as he straightened and stood. “What message did Lord Voldemort send with you?”

Severus suppressed a wince at the pain that lanced through his forearm at the name. “I’m here on my own account.”

Dumbledore said nothing.

“Lupin’s made it clear that you know Lily and her family are targeted.”

“Something, I believe, for which they have you to thank.”

White hot fury roiled through Severus’ veins. “I didn’t even know she’d got married, much less that she was pregnant! I would never have—”

“But it would be fine for anyone else’s child to be murdered?”

“I don’t know who it is that has been informing the Dark Lord of your attempts to protect them,” Severus pressed on. “The only name I’ve heard is ‘Wormtail,’ which is obviously some sort of code.”

“And what is it you expect me to do with this information?” Dumbledore demanded.

“Protect them!” Severus retorted. “Please.”

That last word hung in the air for a moment.

“Was there anything else?”

“Greyback suspects there is an informant in his pack.” Severus drew a steadying breath. “When he finds out who it is, he will tear Lupin apart.”

“Then I should think it would be very important he not find out.” Dumbledore tilted his head. “I confess to some surprise that he has not already.”

“Lupin’s face is an open book!” Severus slammed his hands down on the stone between them. “It’s nothing short of a miracle he’s lasted this long. Please, pull him out.”

“I do not believe that would be wise,” Dumbledore replied. “Not only would that mark him definitively as the spy, we would lack sorely for the information he has been able to provide.”

Severus swallowed hard. “You could find a way. You always do.”

“You have made two demands so far. I wonder what you think to offer in return?”

“Information. I have access to far more than Lupin, including the precise formulations that have been used on the werewolves and my theories as to why none have worked.” He straightened and balled his hands at his sides.

“Theories?”

Severus didn’t reply. Dumbledore wasn’t getting another scrap until he promised to keep them both safe.

“Very well.” Dumbledore’s eyes gleamed. “In return, I believe you might help me out of a slight difficulty. Professor Slughorn has indicated that he would like to retire, leaving me without a Potions master.”

Severus’ heart leapt. The Dark Lord would be pleased that he’d finally secured a position at Hogwarts, albeit not the one he’d had in mind, and such would provide the perfect opportunity to convey information to Dumbledore.

 _Until the Dark Lord catches me and tortures me to death._

But Remus would be safe. Remus and Lily.

Severus nodded, hardly daring to believe it.

“Splendid. I’ll expect you at two o’clock on the nineteenth to review the Potions curriculum so that you may begin planning your lessons.” Dumbledore turned as if to go, then turned back. “If any information you give me proves to be deliberately inaccurate, Severus, I will have no choice but to ask Mr. Lupin to resume his duties.”

“That will not prove necessary,” Severus replied through gritted teeth.

“See that it does not.” This time Dumbledore did turn on his heel, Apparating away with a barely audible crack.

***

 _Saturday, October 31, 1981_

Severus ran as fast as his four legs would carry him down the lane and past the tiny church.

An explosion shook the night, but he didn’t break his stride.

 _Too late. Too late._

He ran into the ruined building as soon as it flickered into view, unwilling to accept what its sudden visibility must mean. The baby’s screams gave him hope as he’d bounded up the stairs, past Potter’s corpse.

Lily lay in a tangle of limbs in front of the cot. There was no mistaking this for peaceful sleep. He whined at her to wake up anyway. She remained motionless.

The baby calmed at the sight of him. Severus wondered irrelevantly if the child thought he was a magical plushy.

As for himself, he wasn’t sure what he thought of the child. He was Lily’s. She’d obviously died saving him. Severus was too numb to work out what he felt about the infant’s survival, though instinct bade him check that the child was unhurt. The cot itself appeared undamaged, and the babe appeared healthy enough, though he bore a strange, lightning-like scar.

The opposite wall had blown out, all debris following it out onto the ground. Severus shuddered as he realized the Dark Lord was probably lying out there amongst the rubble. Vulnerable.

With a growl he took a running leap over the remains of the wall and onto the still form half-buried in stone and plaster. Ignoring the smell of death already emanating from the body and the twinge from his leg as he landed, he clamped his jaws around the throat and tore, gagging on the acrid taste.

A hissing sound off to one side made him whip his head around, stopping him from further pointless mutilation, but it was only a small snake such as one might find in any garden, if somewhat out of season. Severus turned back to the corpse below him, blood oozing from the gaping wound he’d created.

Disgusted, he stepped away and shifted into his human form. He gagged and spat out as much blood as he could. He quickly sent a message by Patronus to Dumbledore and shifted back. The coppery taste was still present, but somehow it did not bother him as much.

The baby began to cry again, but he couldn’t bring himself to go back up there. Couldn’t bear to see Lily’s body again. The child would be safe in its cot. He found a spot that afforded him a measure of cover and a reasonable view of both cottage and road, then settled in to watch and wait.

Severus wasn’t sure it was precisely easier to sit vigil here in this form. He still felt as though he’d been hit with an Entrail-Expelling Curse. If anything, the grief for the loss of his first real friend was even more physical as a fox than it had been as a human. But complicated emotions such as guilt and resentment that had begun to threaten during the time he’d shifted back seemed beyond him now, a state he welcomed.

No return message came. Instead, Black arrived on his ridiculous flying motorcycle and tore through the house. Severus heard him screaming as if from very far away.

Sometime later, Black looked through the gaping hole in the cottage. Severus stayed utterly still, but he needn’t have bothered. Black was only looking for the same thing he had.

Moments later, Black left the cottage, babe in arms, just as Hagrid, of all people arrived. They argued, though the only information they let drop that Severus deemed important was that Dumbledore had sent Hagrid—begging the question how Black had known to come—and that Black was the boy’s godfather.

Both men left shortly thereafter, Black on foot and Hagrid on the motorcycle.

Severus remained where he was. There was nothing else to be done, after all. It was over. All of it.

***

 _Sunday, November 1, 1981  
_  
He was still sitting in the same spot, staring at the house and the rubble behind it, when the sun rose. The Dark Lord still hadn’t moved, for all that Severus had half expected him to.

 _All that talk of immortality. Just more of his lies._

There had been a flurry of activity a few hours ago. Word must have got out, and the wizards in the neighborhood had all come by to peer at the wreckage, though none had actually ventured onto the grounds. They’d all taken themselves off by now, though he was sure more would arrive later. Now the Muggles were beginning to stir in their homes, but none had ventured out yet, which made the disheveled man walking past the small church all the more obvious.

 _Remus._

There was no mistaking him, even before he drew close enough for Severus to catch his scent. He stopped in front of the cottage and stared at it for a long minute before cutting across the grass straight towards Severus.

Too empty of anything but pain to care, he simply watched the man approach and made no move to get out of the way when Remus drew his wand. If anything, he was disappointed that all he did was cast the spell to cancel Severus’ Animagus transformation. He couldn’t even be arsed to get up from the now-ridiculous position, so ill-suited to his human body.

“Tell me you didn’t know,” Remus demanded, tears streaming down his face, wand still trained on Severus. “Or tell me you tried to stop it. Tell me something!”

“Of course I tried to stop it!” Severus felt tears prick at his own eyes, pressure building up in his chest as all those more complicated emotions began to assert themselves. “Still gone. Dead.”

He gave in at last, his body wracked with sobs. It had all been for nothing. His pleas to the Dark Lord, insinuating he wanted Lily for himself. His espionage for Dumbledore. All for nothing.

He stiffened when he felt Remus kneel pull him up and then drag him through the sickening swirl of Side-Along Apparition. But he didn’t bother to take in his new surroundings, sagging into the arms that held him as his knees gave way.

“I had to know,” Remus was murmuring against his hair, his own breath coming in shuddering gasps. “I couldn’t hate you. But if you’d been … I don’t have to hate you.”

“You should,” he croaked.

“I can’t.” Remus lowered them both to the ground … no, floor. He even took care to keep Severus’ leg from banging against anything on the way down.

Severus thought he smelled goats. Looking around, he realized where they were.

“Dumbledore said to bring you here and wait.”

Severus couldn’t imagine what there was to wait for, but he didn’t argue. He was out of arguments. Out of tears. Instead, he said, “I could never hate you either.” After a minute, he added, “I tried.”

“So did I.” Remus scrubbed his hands over his face.

Silence.

“Do you think we could have done anything differently?” Remus asked. “Changed anything?”

“I tried,” Severus repeated. “It didn’t matter.”

“It matters that you tried,” Remus said. “At least, it matters to me.”

Staring at Remus, Severus realized he had managed at least one thing. Whatever else he’d been up to, Remus had been pulled from Greyback’s pack. Severus might not have kept Lily alive, but he had done that.

“It matters to me,” Remus repeated.

 _Fin_


End file.
